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News Item

Manny looking to alleviate summer boredom

BOSTON, MA — As June comes to a close and baseball reaches the heart of its season, the wear of eighty-plus games is starting to take its toll on the players.

Knowing they have to face another eighty can be overwhelming for some of these athletes, and Manny Ramirez – left-fielding slugger for the Boston Red Sox – seems to be having a harder time than usual in maintaining his focus and drive. Famed for disappearing without warning into the Green Monster, missing easy fly balls, playing defense with minimal effort, and rarely knowing what day it is or what team he plays for, this 2008 season has been the hardest so far, according to Manny.

“The summer is ridiculously long,” Ramirez confided to SSNN. “I have to stand there in the meadow, where there aren’t even any butterflies, and wait, wait, wait for some guy to hit a ball at me. I like to hang out with the crowd when I can, and smoking a joint beforehand helps, but that’s not always cool with my teammates.”

According to Ramirez, his many requests for in-field entertainment have been met with vehement refusals by the Red Sox organization.

“They won’t let me bring a laptop to the games, so I can’t even YouTube my own awesome plays, or Google myself to see what I’ve been up to,” the perennial All-Star complained. “I’ve started spending more time with the guys who change the scoreboard behind the Monster. I’ll tell you a secret – we’re actually trying to draw ourselves with Etch-a-Sketches.”

Ramirez described a time during the 2007 World Series when he grew disgusted with a particularly long at-bat from a member of the Colorado Rockies.

“It’s like foul, after foul, after foul, after foul… you get the picture,” he went on. “Plus, Schilling works so slowly I have to pee after every other pitch. So I stepped back into the wall to take a leak, and the guys were going nuts with these little Etch-a-Sketches. Turns out they saw a guy on the internets who draws people and they started trying it themselves. I remember thinking, ‘How cool would my face look in sand?’ Very, very cool – that’s the answer.”

Or, at least, Ramirez presumes it will look very cool. So far he has been unable to accurately render his own likeness.

“To tell you the truth, it’s been really tricky. I try to add the goatee in there and the whole thing suddenly looks like a vajayjay. Which I don’t mind, but that’s not really what I look like. But at this rate, it should keep me busy for most of the season. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.”

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Labels: baseball, boredom, Boston Red Sox, Colorado Rockies, Curt Schilling, Etch-a-Sketch, Google, Green Monster, Manny being Manny, Manny Ramirez, marijuana, MLB, scoreboard operator, YouTube

Posted on June 30th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

• Green Monster attacks (April 12, 2007)
• Manny Ramirez unaware of Matsuzaka signing (December 14, 2006)
• Ramirez done “being Manny” (March 1, 2008)
• Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69 (August 28, 2008)

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