Malone breaks nose during post-game press conference

DETROIT, MI – After being thoroughly beaten up throughout the Stanley Cup Finals, Ryan Malone suffered a broken nose – again – during a press conference following Game 5.

The incident occurred when the Pittsburgh Penguins forward collided with a microphone while responding to a journalist’s question. Malone was taken to the dressing room for medical attention, but later returned to the press conference sporting a new bruise on his already colorful proboscis.

This is the third time in the series that Malone has broken his nose, following a hit from Detroit Red Wings defender Niklas Kronwall in Game 1 and a point shot from teammate Hal Gill earlier in the night. On both occasions, the gritty forward bounced back and continued to play.

Penguins coach Michel Therrien believes that despite his many injuries, Malone will be able to dress for Game 6 of the finals, taking place Wednesday night in Pittsburgh.

“Of course I hope he can play. He has proven himself to be a valuable asset to the team,” Therrien assured SSNN. “But this is getting kind of ridiculous, isn’t it? The guys are afraid to move when he is around, in case someone accidentally breaks his nose again.”

“Nobody wanted to lift the puck in practice,” said teammate and hockey phenom Sidney Crosby. “I just hope that kind of thing never happens to my beautiful face.”

Beloved NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman claims the league is looking to offer further protection for players in light of the recent injuries to Malone. “We can’t ignore the seriousness of these incidents. We are prepared to discuss options for making the game more safe in the off-season, including wrapping the players in bubble-wrap packaging, or perhaps removing the ice, which is really quite rigid and hurts when you fall on it.”

After signing autographs for several delighted fans, the Commissioner claimed that, “television audiences have never enjoyed the sight of blood and violence. It is a shame that a young man has to have his nose broken three times over the course of a series for these changes to be considered. Surely additional safety features will draw a rabid audience from the sunny Southern United States to the sport of ice hockey.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!