Konerko heads to DL, Chicago rejoices

CHICAGO, IL — There was a distinct buzz in the air around the South Side of Chicago Tuesday, after White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko was placed on the 15-day disabled list early in the morning.

“This is just great,” one excited Sox fan told SSNN. “With Konerko out, we can finally have a hitter in the cleanup spot. We’ve been waiting all year for this.”

“I haven’t been this happy since we won the Series back in ‘05,” another excited South Side supporter piped in. “As soon as I heard, I left work for the day to celebrate. I’m wasted right now.”

The former All-Star will be making his first career trip to the DL after reportedly pulling his oblique muscle during a batting practice session. Overjoyed White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen admitted today that he has been looking for any reason to take Konerko out of the lineup for several weeks.

“Do I know if his oblique is really strained? No. Do I care? No,” Guillen told SSNN. “As long as I can plug someone else into that spot, I’m fine with it. What’s an oblique, anyway? Can Thome tear his too?”

Hovering around the Mendoza line (.200 batting average) all season, Konerko had only 8 home runs and 30 RBIs before he was saved by DL duty. He seems to be jumping at the opportunity to account for his lack of production.

“My oblique has been strained all season. That’s why I’ve sucked,” Konerko told reporters. “Oh, and the second half of last season. That whole thing about hurting myself in batting practice – that’s just the team trying to cover up what’s really happening.”

The move is also having an effect on opposing teams, who are forced to reexamine their plans of attack against the White Sox hitters.

“I don’t know how to approach their lineup now,” said disheartened Detroit Tigers’ manager Jim Leyland. “Konerko was good for at least three or four double plays a game. Now we may actually have to pitch to Carlos Quentin.”

All may not be as well as it seems for the Sox, however. The injury will probably move Nick Swisher from outfield to first base, which means that platinum-blond pretty boy Brian Anderson is expected to see much more time in center field.

“Oh, I’m pretty sure I can do what Paulie was doing,” Anderson assured SSNN. “Well, maybe not the power production, but hitting .200 – that’s what I do, man.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!