Jones upset that Texas ‘looks nothing’ like Hawaii

DALLAS, TX — When June Jones agreed to a five-year, $10 million contract back in January to become the newest head football coach at Southern Methodist University, he knew he would be leaving a utopia of sorts for a harsher and more unforgiving landscape.

He just didn’t know how difficult of a transition it would be.

“I must be out of my fucking mind taking this job. The attitude around here has been so negative for so long, and I think I now know the answer why,” Jones introspected. “Dallas has no beaches or beautiful, sky-blue oceans. What do people do around here all day, besides rope cattle? They’re not watching football – I know that for a fact. Texas never has been a big gridiron hotbed.”

Jones now becomes the fifth coach to attempt to resurrect an SMU program that has been virtually non-existent since it incurred the now infamous “death penalty” from NCAA officials in 1986, after players were allegedly paid to play by a booster. And, as Jones explained to SSNN, it is a position he may ultimately regret taking, though his reasoning is totally unrelated to the program’s seedy past.

In earning the title of the University of Hawaii’s winningest coach, and establishing himself as one of the islands’ most respected figures, Jones seemed to enthusiastically embrace the Pacific Islander culture. He frequently donned Hawaiian-inspired garb on game day – including his trademark lei – and actively pursued his goal of making the region more than one known solely for its sand and surf.

That is not to say, however, that Jones did not partake in his fair share of water sports during his nine-year tenure.

“I used to rule those waves, dude. Hang ten, bitch – know what I’m saying?” Jones quipped. “Before I got to Hawaii, I didn’t even know how to swim. Then, nine years later, I’m practically able to water ski without the skis. It’s nice to have those memories and hold on to them. I’m gonna need them more than ever now that I’m here coaching at this shit-hole.”

Compiling a sterling 75-41 record at Hawaii, Jones thrust a team that went winless the season prior to his arrival into the national spotlight. Five All-Americans, a plethora of winning seasons and several bowl appearances later, Jones’ long-running feud with university decision-makers over budget concerns finally imploded, resulting in the former NFL coach inking his new deal in Dallas.

“I mean, how am I supposed to get my morning belly-boarding in?” an somewhat panicked Jones asked. “I suppose I could beat the rush to the student recreation center early in the morning, but then I might have to share some small-ass pool with an overweight Texas heifer. God, I miss those cute Hawaiian hula dancers… What have I done?!

Jones admitted he never would have left Hawaii had he known his new surroundings would be filled with such “negativity” and “disdain,” both of which the West Coast native said are the product of being landlocked in “some type of Lone Star hell.”

“I should have asked for $4 million a year, because the two mil I’m getting now won’t even cover the fucking depression medication I’m going to go through here. I’ll admit the cheap bastards at Hawaii were black-balling me, but at least I could get a world-class massage under a tiki hut to help alleviate the stress. Here, I feel like you could get the death penalty for something like that.

“What? … Why does everyone around here give me dirty looks when I say that?”