Johnson admits he just doesn’t know how to tie his shoes

CINCINNATI, OH — Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson finally showed up at Bengals headquarters last week to participate in the team’s “optional” mini-camp, but things were not all rosy in the Queen City.

Johnson appeared to show little interest in the actual practice, spending most of his time wandering around the field and doing little in the way of participation. While this may have appeared to be yet another episode in the long, drawn-out drama between the star receiver and his oppressive overlords, Johnson insists that isn’t the case.

“I just didn’t have my shoes tied,” an embarrassed Johnson told SSNN. “To tell you the truth, I don’t know how to tie shoes. Usually one of my assistants does that for me, but they weren’t here today.”

Johnson said he is perfectly happy to be a Bengal, and looks forward to the team’s continued success in the coming season. “Once I get these shoes tied, ain’t nothing gonna stop us in ‘08.”

A relieved Marvin Lewis said he would gladly tie Johnson’s shoes everyday.

“If it gets him to shut up and get on the field, I’ll happily do it.” Lewis then added that he’s been tying quarterback Carson Palmer’s shoes for years. “I also help him make his lunch. Whatever it takes to get us in the playoffs I’m willing to do.”

A relieved Johnson said that once his shoes are tied, “I won’t take them off until February, or until we’re out of contention, whichever comes first.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!