Italian team unprepared for Toni’s real injury

BERNE, SWIZTERLAND – The bumpy road to recovery for the struggling Italian soccer team took another hit yesterday. After bitterly losing a lopsided opening match to the Netherlands, Azzuri striker Luca Toni may miss the next couple of weeks with a strained ankle, the result of a collision with Romanian fullback Cosmin Contra.

The star forward rolled about on the ground for several minutes, looking distraught before being taken off the field on a stretcher. Toni then unexpectedly stayed on the ground, rather than jumping lightly to his feet and rejoining the game.

“I was in agony,” said the Bayern Munich footballer. “I was telling everyone, ‘I’m serious, I’m serious’ – but nobody would listen. They just carried me to the sidelines, then waited for me to get back in the game. Nobody moved a muscle to help me. I had to complain for the entire second half before they believed me.”

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Team doctor Giancarlo Mezzini said there was good reason for the team to react slowly to the problem. “This guy rolls around on the ground holding his ankle at least twenty-five times a game. We figured the pleas that he was injured were just attempts to make the referee give a yellow card to Contra. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, you know?”

Once the extent of the injury was made clear, the Italian team rushed Toni to a nearby hospital. The trip was not without incident, as the ambulance carrying the patient hit a nasty speed bump causing the Italian striker to grab his knee in agony and call for the driver to receive a yellow card.

“Unfortunately, our medical staff is only equipped to carry players off the field in stretchers. We’re not really prepared to provide any sort of actually medical service,” said Italian manager Roberto Donadoni, reached at Berne Hospital. “In defense of our team doctors, our players flop around all the time and nobody actually stays down. This isn’t like rugby, where players are actually trying to hurt each other. I mean, this is fucking soccer! We primarily deal with fake injuries.”