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News Item

Hundreds of Red Wings fans hospitalized

DETROIT, MI — Hospitals all over Detroit reported an unusual number of patients Monday, due in large part to Red Wings fans having octopi stuck in a very uncomfortable place.

Dr. Phyllis Trent, Director of the Detroit Department of Health and Wellness, told SSNN that anywhere between 300 and 500 Red Wings fans were hospitalized after they were unable to remove from their orifices the octopi that they snuck into the Red Wings’ Stanley Cup playoff game with the Pittsburgh Penguins. Earlier this year, the NHL told the Red Wings they would be fined if fans engaged in the longtime Detroit tradition of throwing the eight-legged sea creatures on the ice after the home team scores.

“When I say we found a number of octopi in an uncomfortable place, I don’t mean the back of a Volkswagen Beetle,” Trent said. “Look people – there are easier ways to sneak an octopus into the stadium. Tape it to your stomach, hide it in your pants, do whatever you have to do. Just stop sticking them – you know… up your asses.”

One embarrassed fan, speaking to SSNN on the condition of anonymity, said they were confident the plan to smuggle an octopus into the game was foolproof.

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