Hundreds of Red Wings fans hospitalized

DETROIT, MI — Hospitals all over Detroit reported an unusual number of patients Monday, due in large part to Red Wings fans having octopi stuck in a very uncomfortable place.

Dr. Phyllis Trent, Director of the Detroit Department of Health and Wellness, told SSNN that anywhere between 300 and 500 Red Wings fans were hospitalized after they were unable to remove from their orifices the octopi that they snuck into the Red Wings’ Stanley Cup playoff game with the Pittsburgh Penguins. Earlier this year, the NHL told the Red Wings they would be fined if fans engaged in the longtime Detroit tradition of throwing the eight-legged sea creatures on the ice after the home team scores.

“When I say we found a number of octopi in an uncomfortable place, I don’t mean the back of a Volkswagen Beetle,” Trent said. “Look people – there are easier ways to sneak an octopus into the stadium. Tape it to your stomach, hide it in your pants, do whatever you have to do. Just stop sticking them – you know… up your asses.”

One embarrassed fan, speaking to SSNN on the condition of anonymity, said they were confident the plan to smuggle an octopus into the game was foolproof.

“You can find a detailed ‘How To’ on octopussmuggler.blogspot.com – everything seemed okay,” the fan said. “So my friends and I greased that bad boy up and stuck it where Richard Gere puts gerbils. Everything was going relatively smoothly until we got to the game and realized we forgot to leave one of the tentacles sticking out for easy removal. I tried to get the guy next to me to dig it out, but he politely refused.”

At the request of the City of Detroit, the Red Wings will run a PSA at the beginning of the remaining Stanley Cup games, informing fans of the dangers of sticking octopi in their rectums.

The fan we spoke to, though, said not only does he not regret getting an octopus stuck in a very uncomfortable place, but that he would do it again.

“Sure, being violated by a greased up octopus is a little embarrassing, but you live and you learn,” they said. “Besides, this is tradition we’re talking about here. How would everyone know how excited I am about a Red Wings goal if I don’t throw seafood on the ice?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!