Guillen says “fuck it,” pencils self into lineup

CHICAGO, IL — Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen has taken yet another bizarre step in his managerial tenure: he says he will be in the starting lineup for Wednesday’s game against the Kansas City Royals.

He made the announcement in his daily meeting with reporters, following a 9-5 win Tuesday night.

“Four fucking home runs? Nine fucking runs? That’s nowhere near where we need to be!” Guillen asserted angrily, when asked if he was satisfied with the offense. “Fucking Kenny [Willaims, White Sox General Manager] doesn’t want to make a fucking move, I’ll make a fucking move! Fuck Orlando Cabrera, I’m going to play shortstop!”

A career .264 hitter, Guillen played sixteen seasons in the majors – thirteen with the White Sox, and the last three with Baltimore, Atlanta, and Tampa Bay. He played his last game in the 2000 season with the Rays.

After chasing all the reporters out of his office, hurling Spanish profanities and wielding a chainsaw he keeps under his desk, Guillen posted Wednesday’s lineup outside his door. The order included himself leading off, outfielder Carlos Quentin hitting second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh, Ozzie hitting eighth, and Quentin hitting ninth.

On the bottom of the lineup card was a note reading, “Every fucking error I make will be charged to Orlando Cabrera.”

And if that wasn’t enough, Paul Konerko, Jermaine Dye, and Jim Thome woke up this morning to learn they have been traded – by Ozzie, somehow without GM Williams’ permission. The erstwhile middle of the Sox order now belongs to the Peoria Squirrels, a team in the over-30 Illinois Amateur League, with Chicago receiving a stress ball, two bats and Patti McClure’s Three Steps to Relaxation video.

In an unrelated story, White Sox outfielder Nick Swisher has been optioned back to Little League.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!