Gaston demands Ricciardi sign Olerud, Henderson, Alomar, Stieb

TORONTO, CANADA — The struggling Toronto Blue Jays fired manager John Gibbons and replaced him with former Jays manager Cito Gaston on Thursday, but that wasn’t the only change the team made this week.

“We really cleaned house,” said J.P. Ricciardi, in announcing that the Blue Jays had immediately released A.J. Burnett, Aaron Hill, “and the two dudes who had been playing first base and left field. It’s not because we wanted to, but rather because we had to. Cito made us – he wouldn’t take over the team unless we did it. Then we immediately went out and picked up Roberto Alomar, Rickey Henderson, John Olerud, and Dave Stieb.”

The task of signing the four former Blue Jays was at once easy and hard, Gaston and Ricciardi told SSNN.

“Rickey Henderson was easy to sign,” Gaston said. “We actually found him in a Kinko’s, making comb-bound PowerPoints to send to big league teams. And Jon Olerud was easy too – he was actually in the Rogers Centre parking lot, hitting balls off a tee, wearing his stupid-ass helmet with no earflaps. So we just said, ‘Hey, John, wanna come inside?’”

Ricciardi said the other two signings were more difficult.

“It seems like Alomar has become really private and paranoid since he retired,” Ricciardi said. “So when you get to his house, you have to swim through a moat and then dodge pots of boiling hot oil and a portcullis. But then, when you get inside, there’s Robbie, sitting on a giant mound of cash, being fanned by hot chicks in bikinis, who are feeding him grapes. It’s like some sort of weird Roman scene or something.”

Ricciardi, whose nose was broken by Stieb when he invited the surly pitcher back to the team, said he was surprised at how interested the former Jays were in rejoining the team, especially Alomar.

“I’m not sure I entirely get it, you know?” Ricciardi said. “I mean, check it – on the one hand you live in a castle and have a Siberian Tiger for a pet. On the other hand you get to bat in front of Shannon Stewart. Not exactly a Sophie’s choice, if you ask me.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!