Five people expected to attend “Battle of Florida”

ST. PETERSBURG, FL — The Tampa Bay Rays and Florida Marlins will square off this weekend in the not-so-eagerly anticipated “Battle for Florida.”

In the Sunshine State – a peninsula largely made up of sun burnt white trash, Cubans, and Elijah Dukes‘ illegitimate children – professional baseball has never really caught on. The Rays have been drowning in the AL East since their inaugural season in 1998, and the Marlins – who have bought two World Series in their short history – continue to set the pace for futility in attendance.

The Rays’ front office has predicted an attendance of 5 for Friday night’s contest, and say that number could as much as triple for Saturday and Sunday’s games.

“We have two field reporters, and we think the Heckler will show up,” a Rays’ executive told SSNN. “Also, you ever seen those two guys who chase home run balls at the Marlins’ games? You know, because no one is ever in the outfield bleachers there? We’re expecting them, too.”

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Tampa started this season hot, and held the division lead for much of the first two months. But the young Rays began descending the stairs to the AL East basement after their series with the Red Sox at Fenway Park last week.

In an effort to try and lure fans to the ballpark, Marlins’ shortstop Hanley Ramirez, and Rays’ 1B/DH Eric Hinske are planning to don their old Red Sox jerseys during Friday night’s game.

“Everyone around here only cares about us when we’re playing the Red Sox or the Yankess,” Hinske said. “I used to play for the Red Sox, so this seems to make perfect sense.”

This will mark the eighth time the two Florida teams have met. No one is entirely certain what the head-to-head record is, nor does there seem to be any priority on figuring it out.