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Extra 10% in oft-used sports cliché discovered to be steroids

NEW YORK, NY — The war on performance-enhancing drugs in professional sports may not be over, but an independent team of researchers operating in New York have won a significant battle in the name of fair play.

The private laboratory, specializing in sports linguistics, released a 32-page booklet to the press proving that an entire 10% of the commonly used sports cliché about “giving 110%” is composed entirely of anabolic steroids. The irrefutable evidence spells doom for a significant number of users still active around the various major leagues.

“We’ve been heavily researching sports clichés for some time now, but this is the first real breakthrough in the field,” said head researcher Thomas Grant. “This new discovery will significantly aide authorities in the discovery and penalization of players who opt to use illegal, performance-enhancing drugs.”

The innovation saves the trouble of relying on time-taking and troublesome urine testing. The leagues and testing agencies need only wait for players to slip up when talking to a reporter, all from the comfort of their own couch.

“We’ve heard this cliché from many players who have recently been caught in the act,” longtime MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said during a press conference today. “We have a recent instance of Barry Bonds on tape saying he was going to give 120% of his effort, so you can pretty much draw your own conclusions there. It’s really only a matter of reviewing years of interviews and catching the rest of them.”

But the breakthrough doesn’t mean Selig is happy. If anything, the commissioner is even more angry, knowing that the answer to his steroid problems has been staring him in the face for years.

“What really irks us is that players have been looking straight at the camera and telling the world that they’ve been using steroids for years now, and we only just caught on,” Selig continued from behind a microphone and a sour-faced expression. “They must have had a real good laugh about that behind our backs. In hindsight, it just doesn’t make any sense at all. How can anyone give more than 100%?”

The private laboratory has reported that their next projects will be to analyze whether or not there really is an ‘I’ in team, as well as whether records really are made to be broken.

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Labels: Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, cheating, cliché, drug testing, MLB, research, science, steroids

Posted on June 18th, 2008

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Other Related News Items

MLB still toying with All-Star format (July 10, 2007)
Congress to investigate sports clichés (March 11, 2008)
New phrase added to sports vernacular (September 24, 2007)
Ten of 150 WWE wrestlers test positive for steroids; other 140 to be tested next week (September 2, 2007)

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