Crisp to file sexual harassment suit against Navarro

BOSTON, MA — Boston Red Sox outfielder Coco Crisp says punching wasn’t the only thing going on between him and Tampa Bay Rays catcher Dioner Navarro at the bottom of the pile in last night’s bench-clearing brawl.

“At first when he tackled me, I thought he was trying to fight,” Crisp told reporters. “Then, when he didn’t throw any punches and the rest of his team was swinging at me, I thought he was protecting me. Then I felt something poking my leg. Let’s just say it wasn’t his cup.”

Crisp was hit in the leg by a James Shields fastball after having slide-tackled Rays second baseman Akinori Iwamura the night before. Crisp charged the mound and got one good shot in on Shields after bobbing and weaving out of the way of a haymaker from the young pitcher. Then he was taken down by Navarro, who acted as a buffer between Crisp and the rest of the infield – all of whom wanted a piece of Coco.

“He whispered ‘I love you, I’ll never let you go’ – like we were in Titanic or something,” Crisp went on. “No lie, man; that dude started dry-humping my leg in the way I only let my dog do. It was really creepy.”

According to Crisp, things got even weirder from there. He pointed out two hickeys on his neck and pulled down the top of his shirt to reveal one on his shoulder. “My girlfriend’s never gonna believe me. It’s gonna be like that time I told her I went four-for-four.”

Otherwise unhurt in the incident, Crisp took the media attention as an opportunity to lobby for more playing time.

“See, I’m an exciting player,” he argued, as reporters began to stream out of the room. “Wouldn’t you rather have me in there every day than Ellsbury?”

Crisp spoke to his lawyer earlier today and they agreed to file a $1,000,000 sexual harassment suit with the Suffolk County District Court. If he wins, analysts say it will be the first thing he has proven in his three years with the Red Sox.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!