Chicago’s newest sex symbol – Sweet Lou

CHICAGO, IL — Lost in the shuffle of Cedric Benson being an idiot, Ozzie Guillen’s frequent rants and a perennial loser owning the best record in Major League Baseball, an unreported phenomenon is sweeping through the Windy City.

“Maybe I’m just saying this because I’ve been drinking seven-dollar Old Style’s in the hot sun all day, but Lou Piniella’s lookin’ kinda hot,” said Stephanie Norman, a 21-year-old student at nearby DePaul University.

Indeed, while Sweet Lou has been garnering attention for the impressive performance of his ballclub, the 64-year-old is also starting to be recognized as a sex symbol around Chicagoland.

“I’m not saying I’d marry him, he’s three times my age,” Norman said from her bleacher seat at Wrigley Field. “But watching him slowly waddle out to the mound just makes me think of all the nasty things I would do to him if we had just one night alone. I’m getting hot just talking about it.”

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Norman is not alone in her fantasies. The top-selling Cubs t-shirt this year has been the “Pick Me Lou” shirt. On the front it reads “Pick Me Lou” in traditional Cubs blue, while on the back it has a picture of Piniella’s rear end in tight baseball pants.

Piniella refused to comment on his newfound sexual stardom. SSNN can only assume this refusal was due to how busy he was banging bleacher babes.

Not everyone is thrilled with the news, though. Mrs. Piniella – Anita – confided to SSNN that her husband’s sexuality has caused problems in their relationship.

“I’ve got to say I’m a little surprised,” she said. “I always thought the mammoth gut would keep the young vixens away, but I guess they just can’t resist his old-man charm.

“Without getting too personal, Lou and I have essentially the same agreement that Andrei Kirilenko and his wife have – he’s allowed one affair a year. Lou’s sexual appetite is insatiable, so it’s the least I can do.”