Chacon gets contract with UFC

HOUSTON, TX — After an altercation with general manager Ed Wade led to his being cut, former Houston Astros pitcher Shawn Chacon is trading in the Major League Baseball diamond for the Ultimate Fighting Championship octagon.

“We’re very excited about Shawn joining the UFC family,” said UFC President Dana White. “I was especially impressed with his submission win over Ed Wade. I heard he applied a rear-naked choke after a full mount. Does that sound gay? Anyway, I’m just sorry I didn’t get to see his jiu-jitsu techniques against [Astros manager] Cecil Cooper. Then again, Cooper has already choked enough for one season.”

Chacon, going by his fight nickname, Shawn “Shutout” Chacon, was equally enthusiastic about this career change.

“Let’s face it: as a pitcher, I pretty much sucked. I couldn’t even bag Alyssa Milano. Nine straight no-decisions at the start of the year, and an ERA higher than Snoop Dogg’s posse on a Saturday night,” Shacon admitted. “When Ed told me that Cecil wanted to see me, I couldn’t wait to show him some of my new moves. I think my ground-and-pound is really strong, and I’m really good at submission.”

In light of Chacon’s expected move to mixed martial arts, Wade was also willing to comment on the fight. “Yeah, he caught me in a choke, but I had him in an armbar and was waiting for him to tap out so I could ream his tight little ass. Does that sound gay? Unfortunately, the armbar was on his pitching arm, and that arm’s been dead since he got here, so he didn’t feel a thing.”

But as excited as he was to bring the mediocre pitcher into his organization, White also said Chacon has a lot of work to do if he wants to become a true UFC contender.

“He’s good on the ground, but needs to work on his striking,” said White, critiquing his new fighter’s abilities. “Obviously, throwing strikes has never been his strong suit.”

Chacon told SSNN that he has already been scheduled to fight Tito “The Huntington Beach Bad Boy” Ortiz on the undercard of the next UFC pay-per-view event, July 5 in Las Vegas. “I’m ready for Tito. If anything can get me ready for a fight with a world-class athlete like Tito, it’s beating up a 52-year-old baseball executive.”

Wade, on the other hand, gave the pitcher-turned-fighter a grim assessment of his chances. “He’ll get knocked out in the first. Of course, given his pitching career, it won’t be the first time.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!