Celtics have “secret” weapon against Lakers

BOSTON, MA — With his beloved Celtics facing the Los Angeles Lakers in the NBA finals, the ghost of Red Auerbach held a press conference today to announce his intentions to stop Phil Jackson from collecting his tenth NBA title.

“I have nine titles, he has nine titles. That son of a bitch has no idea what’s coming his way if he wins his tenth,” Auerbach told a stunned group of reporters in a Boston press conference. “My intention is to ensure that won’t happen.”

Auerbach was joined on the podium by a floating Len Bias, who promised to be the Celtics’ “thirteenth man” in the upcoming series.

“I never got to play on the hardwood at the Garden, and that’s always been a big regret for me,” Bias said. “Plus, I’ve had so much energy pent up in the afterlife – especially with all the coke in my system – that I plan to be involved in all 48 minutes of each game.”

Asked what he can do for his living counterparts in green, Bias said he can “whisper the name of that redhead from Colorado in Kobe’s ear at each timeout, and throw Marv Albert’s toupee at Phil Jackson if the game gets close.”

Auerbach said he decided to hatch the plan when he ran into Bias hanging out at a party in the afterlife.

“I figured with all the blow up his nose, Len would agree to anything,” Auerbach told SSNN after the press conference. “He did – and I told him if this goes well, I’ll make sure Jack and Bobby Kennedy give him a supply of hookers to last him the next 100 years or so. They’re old friends, you know.”

Asked if Ted Kennedy would be of assistance any time soon, Auerbach had no comment.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!