Celtics’ bandwagon collapses under immense weight

BOSTON, MA — Tragedy struck the Celtics fan base today as the team’s bandwagon suddenly collapsed beneath millions of people in green “BEAT LA” t-shirts. Thousands were injured, though no deaths have been reported.

“You know, when the playoffs began, we only built a medium sized bandwagon. I know it’s a Boston team, and Boston is known for producing more people you want to kick in the crotch than any other city, but the Celts have been irrelevant for so long that we didn’t think we needed anything larger,” a Celtics spokesman said. “Coming off a 23-win season last year, fans still hadn’t really completely come back. Shit, people are still bitching about the Super Bowl here, and we’re supposed to anticipate this kind of crowd? We were, unfortunately, woefully unprepared – and the Celtics organization regrets this incident.”

Despite the poor planning, the bandwagon was actually well under capacity even after the Celtics’ secured a trip to the NBA Finals. But Boston’s Game 4 win appears to have been the breaking point – NBA fans from around the country suddenly piled onto the bandwagon, sending it well over the recommended maximum head count.

According to eyewitness accounts, the final straw came when a gross of “Lakers Suck” shirts were passed around to everyone in attendance. With the extra weight of the t-shirts, a loud, foot-stomping, “Lakers Suck” chant was enough to splinter the bandwagon into innumerable pieces.

Bandwagons have always been difficult to predict, but recently, the problem seems to be worsening. Detroit city planners were relieved when the Tigers lost the 2006 World Series to the St. Louis Cardinals, fearing the damage that could have been caused if a bandwagon full of fringe fans had poured into the streets of Detroit for a traditional, “guns and knives” celebration.

But most agree that Boston has managed to take things to a new level.

“God help these folks,” an elderly passerby said as he surveyed the wreckage outside the TD Banknorth Garden. “If the Celtics win the whole thing, we’ll all have to stare at girls in pink jerseys and hats, like we did after the Sox victory in ‘04. I’m a pretty old guy – I don’t think I could handle that again.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!