Bruce doesn’t understand what all the fuss is about

CINCINNATI, OH — In an exclusive interview with SSNN, a humble Jay Bruce spoke about the commotion surrounding his major league debut and wildly successful first week, as well as his bright future.

Bruce, who was called up by the Reds late last month, reached base in his first six plate appearances and has led the team to a 5-1 record since joining the major league club.

“All I can say is it feels incredible,” said Bruce, who simultaneously spoke in English and Spanish, as well as three alien – or possibly ancient and dead – languages. “I just want to thank the Reds, our fans and all my supporters out there.”

The Reds promoted Bruce from AAA-Louisville, where he was only hitting .364 with 10 home runs. It must be concluded that his incredibly un-Bruce-like average was the result of boredom and lack of any real competition. Additionally, if he would have batted with his eyes open he probably would have had 25-30 home runs during his time at Louisville.

But the ever-humble Bruce did admit it has been a tougher week at the major league level than his .591 batting average and all-around awesomeness attest to.

“It’s absolutely more difficult at this level,” the near-deity said. “In the minor leagues, I’d crush a 400-foot game winning home run and then save two, maybe three lives.

“But the big leagues are entirely different. Sure, I’m still getting my three or four base knocks a night and single-handedly winning games, but after that I’ll conduct back-to-back open-heart surgeries and follow that up by slowing an out-of-control train carrying a group of children. I guess it’s just like they say; the game doesn’t get harder, everything around the game gets harder.”

Bruce ended the short interview – he had a previous engagement to a group of Swedish models – by touching on what baseball fans can expect in the future.

“LeBron James said he wants to be a global icon. Well, I want to be an intergalactic icon,” the dreamy Bruce said/crooned. “I’m talking space adventure shit. Sure, saving entire organizations like the Reds is fun – but that’s not going to be fulfilling forever. Hopefully one day I can save entire planets.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!