Bruce bests Tiger in friendly match play round

CINCINNATI, OH — All is not well for Tiger Woods, even after the golfer further cemented his legacy with a dramatic victory in the 2008 U.S. Open.

Cincinnati Reds outfielder/god Jay Bruce announced Tuesday afternoon that he had defeated Woods earlier in the day in a friendly golf outing between the two. The star athletes competed under match play rules, with Bruce winning 8-and-7.

“I’ve never actually played golf before, but I have watched a lot of it on television,” said Bruce, who played half the holes left-handed and half right-handed. “It’s a pretty easy sport; I’m not sure what all the fuss is about.”

Woods told SSNN he was incredibly impressed by the 21-year-old Bruce’s golf game, as well as his Mensa-level intelligence and undeniable charm.

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“He didn’t miss a fairway – not one. And the ball jumps off his club like nothing I’ve ever seen before,” Woods said. “It’s enough to make you question whether this is really his first time on a golf course. But then he looks at you with those perfect eyes, and you just know he’s telling the truth. Jay Bruce wouldn’t lie – he doesn’t have to.”

Bruce said he may play the game again, but added he has a lot on his plate right now with fighting global warming and single-handedly rebuilding Midwestern towns affected by flooding. He also admitted he won’t be able to fully concentrate on golf until he’s established every important MLB record, “probably sometime early next season.”

Woods was, understandably, reluctant to talk about Bruce’s future with the PGA, though he did say he thought the Reds outfielder has a future in golf if he chooses to.

“His golf game reminds me of mine, except a lot better,” Woods said. “It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never seen Jay swing a golf club, but imagine a combination of the ten greatest golfers ever to play the game. I mean, just watching him play golf is as pleasurable as having sex with a Swedish model. It’s orgasmic.”