Bird, Magic emphasize they are not playing in this year’s Finals

BOSTON, MA — Citing the confusion generated by the media’s non-stop references to their epic battles of the 1980s, NBA Hall-of-Famers Larry Bird and Magic Johnson issued a joint statement yesterday, in which they emphasized that they will not, in fact, be playing in this year’s NBA Finals.

The 2008 version of the Finals will feature the Los Angeles Lakers and the Boston Celtics for the first time since 1987, when Johnson and Bird starred for their respective teams. In all, the duo met three times in the Finals during the 80s, continuing one of the NBA’s most famous and intense rivalries.

The incessant references to those battles in magazines, radio, newspapers and television have apparently caused a considerable amount of confusion amongst casual fans.

“People kept coming up to me in and saying, ‘Good luck against the Celtics,’” Johnson told reporters earlier yesterday. “It got to the point where so many people were doing it that I felt like I needed to make an official announcement. Then I talked to Larry [Bird], and he said he was having the same problems. So we figured, kill two birds with one stone.”

When asked for comment, Bird said that he is, “still retired. This was just started by a bunch of old farts in Boston like Bob Ryan, who want to wax nostalgic all day long. Don’t I have enough problems with the Pacers? I don’t have time to deal with this shit, I’ve got to get busy Jermaine O’Neal before the rest of the league realizes just how far gone he is.”

Both Bird and Johnson claim to have been surprised at the outpouring of support, and the general public’s apparent ignorance to the fact that both have been retired for over a decade.

“I’m not even involved in basketball at all anymore, really,” Johnson said. “I mean, I’ll be on TV some during the Finals, but just for a little extra green.”

“The only thing that’s the same now as it was in ‘87 is that Jack Nicholson is still old. But now he’s creepy old,” Bird said of the Lakers’ celebrity superfan. “They keep showing that footage from 20 years ago where he was merely old, but he could still get a little play. Trust me man, he’s too old for that now.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!