Astros to add new attractions to Minute Maid Park

HOUSTON, TX — Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane announced today that he would be adding new features to Minute Maid Park in order to bolster sagging attendance.

“We’re very excited about these innovations,” said McLane. “These new additions will continue in the great tradition of wacky accoutrements in Houston baseball, from our convertible roof, to Tal’s Hill in center field, to the Little-League-sized left-field line and of course the pre-recorded crowd noise. We’re pretty sure fans will really want to come out to the old ballpark for our new Exxon Coaster and Ozarka Water Slide.”

The proposed oil-company-sponsored roller coaster will stretch to a height of one hundred forty feet – coinciding with the price of a barrel of crude oil – and wrap itself around the right field foul pole. One of the loops will carry the train over the playing field, allowing riders to field high fly balls while the coaster is in motion.

The water slide, sponsored by bottled water giant Ozarka, will be built between first and second bases, and actually be in play for runners.

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“That’ll definitely make stolen bases more interesting,” Astros center fielder and speed merchant Michael Bourn commented. “I can’t wait to watch [first baseman Lance] Berkman’s fat ass do a belly flop on it!”

When approached with the idea that team and sponsor resources could be better allocated toward addressing team needs such as pitching, defense or clutch hitting, McLane dismissed these concerns as petty and short-thinking.

“Look, I’ve tried getting actual players – Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada… What did I get? A bunch of liars and drug users,” a frustrated McLane explained. “Besides, if people in Houston want to watch real baseball, they can go to New York or Chicago or St. Louis. The tradition of the Astros isn’t about building a winning team, it’s about getting people to spend $7.50 on watered-down beer and staying out of the hot, humid, wet, miserable weather. We’re just carrying on in the proud Houston sports tradition of AstroTurf and exploding scoreboards.”

The Exxon Coaster is expected to be ready by the start of the 2009 season. The Ozarka Water Slide proposal is currently under review by the owners’ committee and the players’ union.