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News Item

Actress Milano expected to break Ripken streak

HOLLYWOOD, CA — According to her online baseball blog, former Charmed star Alyssa Milano expects to have sex with Tampa Bay Rays rookie bullpen catcher Arturo Guzman this Saturday night, making him the 2,633^rd consecutive major league baseball player bedded by the actress and lifelong baseball fan, and vaulting her past Cal Ripken into sole possession of baseball’s Ironman – or, now, Iron-woman – record.

“Assuming I can close on Guzman – and let’s face it, who can’t – I will have enjoyed the company of the finest athletes and nicest men in the world every night for eight straight years,” Milano wrote in her web journal. “That includes [Dodgers executive] Tommy Lasorda, who was a real stalwart. I especially enjoy supporting my Dodgers, whose roster I’ve now gone through three times.”

In her upcoming tell-all autobiography, Alyssa: My Life as a Human Bat Rack, she details her dalliances with the greatest players of this era.

On home run king Barry Bonds: “I was with him in Pittsburgh, and then a few years later after a Giants-Dodgers series. Believe me, steroids help you grow all your muscles except one.”

On pitcher Roger Clemens: “That Viagra in his locker wasn’t just for pitching. Without those blue pills, he had less wood than Mario Mendoza. The threesome with Mindy McCready was hot, though.”

On St. Louis Cardinals first baseman Albert Pujols: “Big lumber. Loves to go deep. Great player, too.”

On Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson: “He obviously didn’t earn the nickname ‘Big Unit’ in the locker room.”

On New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter: “Mariah Carey? Tyra Banks? Jessica Biel? He’s got to be the only ballplayer I ever met who’s a bigger slut than I am.”

Despite her reputation as having seen more sausage than an inspector at a Farmer John factory, Milano mentions one long-time major-leaguer with whom she will never share an intimate evening.

“I would not fuck [Houston Astros catcher] Brad Ausmus with [former "Charmed" co-star] Shannen Doherty’s pussy. A .325 lifetime on-base percentage with only 77 career dingers? The guy’s a black hole at the plate and an average-at-best defensive catcher. I’d sooner blow the Dodger Dog guy than sleep with Ausmus – and I can say that because I’ve done it – veggie dogs ain’t cheap, ya know?”

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Labels: Albert Pujols, Alyssa Milano, Arizona Diamondbacks, Arturo Guzman, Barry Bonds, baseball, Brad Ausmus, Cal Ripken Jr., Charmed, Derek Jeter, Ironman record, Jessica Biel, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mariah Carey, Mario Mendoza, Mindy McCready, MLB, New York Yankees, Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens, sex, Shannen Doherty, St. Louis Cardinals, Tampa Bay Rays, Tommy Lasorda, Tyra Banks

Posted on June 12th, 2008

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• Yankee fans who hated Girardi as a player expect to hate him as manager (November 5, 2007)
• Chacon gets contract with UFC (June 27, 2008)

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