Specter wants Walsh indicted for teasing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Although the video tapes he turned over to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell proved that former Patriots’ video assistant Matt Walsh had done nothing illegal, he may not be entirely out of the woods yet.

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter has called for Walsh to be indicted for teasing and “leading us on.” Specter, like many football fans and congress members, was displeased with the anticlimax provided by Walsh after weeks of negotiations and speculation about what his videos might show.

“He made us think he had something,” Specter fumed to reporters today. “Instead it’s just a lot of hot air. All he did was waste everyone’s time and energy on this whole mess.”

Specter has called for a Congressional inquiry into how “a droopy-faced assistant golf pro managed to hold up the entire sports world and much of Congress for several months”.

“I’m serious about this,” the senator continued, after several reporters began to laugh. “This is no joke.”

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Specter, known as a huge Philadelphia Eagles fan, has been one of the loudest voices denouncing the Patriots, and has been calling for a Congressional inquiry into the scandal known as Spygate since news first broke that the Patriots may have had Walsh illegally taping other teams’ defensive signals.

Most significantly, reports claimed that Walsh had tapes of the St. Louis Rams’ final walkthrough before their Super Bowl XXXVI battle with New England. Those reports turned out to be patently untrue.

“It’s basically just a bunch of shots of cheerleaders,” Goodell said. “He even tries to look up their skirts and stuff. And there were some weird shots of shirtless men, which I’m at a loss to explain.”

Walsh, for his part, still insists he did something wrong, even after Goodell determined that the tapes he recently turned over did not provide the Patriots with an unfair advantage.

“I’m somebody, dammit,” Walsh insisted. “I’m dangerous, I’m a lawbreaker. I’m a wanted man – I’ve got tapes that are going to blow this whole thing wide open. I’m Matt Walsh, bitches. I’m a bad, bad man.”