Pujols adds insult to injury

ST. LOUIS, MO — After injuring the San Diego Padres’ Chris Young and Josh Bard earlier this week, an emotional Albert Pujols called a press conference today – in an effort, most assumed, to apologize for his rampage.

But the Cardinals first baseman showed he has a wicked curveball.

“To the people of San Diego, I just want to say I’m sorry,” a teary Pujols said. “I’m sorry you’re all such bitches. Now you know what the rest of the league knows: if you play with Pujols you’re going to get burned. Well, burned and have your nose broken. Or your foot sprained.”

Pujols also called out every man in San Diego, promising to sleep with their wife and/or girlfriend, as well as their daughters (provided they are of a reasonable age). When asked if he would go after women associated with the Padres players as well, Pujols simply responded, “Been there, done that.”

The Cardinals slugger went on to boast that he causes at least 75 percent of MLB injuries.

“If you don’t know, you better ask somebody,” Pujols responded when asked for documentation to back up his claim.

Pujols’ teammates didn’t seem surprised by his statements, and only manager Tony La Russa would comment.

“Albert just gets emotional sometimes, that’s all,” La Russa said. “Even when Mark McGwire was constantly shooting himself up with steroids he didn’t get that angry. But Pujols, he’s a different animal. I just hope he gives me his San Diego leftovers. I’ve spent time there, and the women are fantastic.”