Preakness to euthanize all non-winning horses on track

BALTIMORE, MD — Just two weeks after the tragic on-track euthanasia of Kentucky Derby runner up Eight Belles, officials at race course »”>Pimlico Race Course have decided to add some excitement to the running of the Preakness Stakes, the second of the Triple Crown races.

“It’s all about keeping up with the Joneses, as they say,” said one Pimlico employee who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Every year the Kentucky Derby is the biggest horse race in the world, and it just seems like people often find the Preakness to be anticlimactic after the rush of the Derby. Naturally that’s even worse when there’s big news – like a horse being put down on the actual track.”

To compete with the Derby, offer additional excitement and hopefully draw an otherwise untapped demographic of viewers, the powers that be decided to incorporate a massive on-track euthanasia of every non-winning horse after today’s Preakness Stakes. The announcement of this thrilling new twist was made mere hours before the 6:15 EDT post time.

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“Certainly it was a surprise to us, and there are obviously some new things to consider,” said Rick Dutrow, trainer for Kentucky Derby winner and prohibitive Preakness favorite Big Brown. “At the same time, I understand where these guys are coming from. It must be brutal to be outshined by the Derby every year, and I would say that wholesale horse genocide will absolutely attract some attention. As for me, what do I care? They’re not gonna kill the winner.”

Others were not nearly as accepting of the new rule, which seems to assure the murder of 11 horses.

“This is the most absurd attention-seeking behavior I can ever remember happening in our business,” said Earle I. Mack, owner of Icabad Crane, a 30-1 longshot as of this writing. “I mean, at the very least they could spare the three who finish in the money. Then maybe there’s an outside chance that Icabad would make it. If something doesn’t happen to change this rule, I’m gonna leave Baltimore with nothing but a vat of glue, you know?”

But with the race less than an hour away, track sources say there is no discussion of sparing the place and show horses. And at least one race organizer is vehemently defending that decision.

“Sparing the money horses makes no sense, if you’re paying attention,” he said. “In the Derby, it was the second-place finisher that got it. Now, how would that look if we were trying to one-up those Kentucky bastards and just whacked horses 4-through-12? Then it would be like, ‘Man, those guys at Pimlico are a freaking joke – they can’t even kill with style.’ We’re taking the shotgun to the place and show horses, I can promise you that.”