Phone companies report record call volume over Joba

NEW YORK, NY — Several leading cellular phone companies reported a record number of phone calls Friday, apparently due to the announcement that New York Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain will join the team’s starting rotation next week.

“Ever since the 9/11 thing, we’ve been recording everyone’s phone calls and noting what they were talking about,” said one insider with a major phone company. “Not so much to prevent terrorism or anything like that, but mainly because it’s really fun to listen to other people’s conversations.”

That same source said the spike in calls on Friday was mainly a result of fantasy baseball owners calling friends to say, “I told you so.” In fact, 61 percent of calls were of the I-told-you-so variety, doubling the second place finisher – phone sex, which accounted for 29 percent of all calls.

The source was even kind enough to allow SSNN to hear some audio samples – examples of the sort of call that clogged networks throughout the country. The results are not surprising, though they are disappointing.

Jay Morales, age 24, called friend Paul Willis, 27, at 7:17 pm on Friday to tell him, “Who’s the stupid fucking idiot now, Paul? I guess drafting Joba in the fifth round really wasn’t that bad of a move, was it? I fucking told you he’d be in the starting rotation by the All-Star break. I told you.”

Mike Watts, 30, called younger brother Cameron, 22, at 9:05 pm, also on Friday. “I bet you wish you would have taken Joba for Ryan Dempster now, don’t you? Well good luck with Dempster’s inevitable meltdown. I’ll just have to suffer through Chamberlain becoming a fantasy god. Jesus you’re a moron.”

The source added that phone companies haven’t seen a spike in calls like this since late last year, when Reggie Bush’s suckiness caused millions of fantasy football owners to call friends begging them to trade for the crappy Saints running back.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!