Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)

Well, you know what Pat the Bat is doing? One of two things – either he’s driving a changeup to the right-center gap for extra bases, or he’s using one of your nasty-assed neckties to play some sex games with your wife in your bed! And you there, dumbass – in Milwaukee, on the business trip, buying a Penthouse at the Hudson News? Did you know that Pat the Bat was in Penthouse once? With his shirt off? And that now he’s got some business in Milwaukee? Namely, just doing unspeakable things with your wife? Did you know that? Did you, dude?

There might be one good thing that comes out of this, man. There just might be. The thing is, you probably don’t even know about what a slut your wife wants to be – and that’s probably a good thing, right? Like, you don’t want to know about the dirty, dirty stuff that your loving wife won’t let you do but will totally let Pat Burrell do to her any day of the week, right? You don’t want to know about all of the household appliances that your wife is absolutely dreaming of using and/or breaking when Pat the Bat comes to town. You don’t want to know about how the mother of your children will break any number of laws, societal maxims, or standards of decency… oh, if number five for the fighting Phils would only let her.

You should thank Pat Burrell, you selfish jerk! All you ever do is sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Did you ever once walk over to this wonderful man who has a super hot wife and has probably slept with 10,000 women this month and say to him, “Thank you, sir, for not turning my wife into the nasty, fiery sex factory that she yearns to be?”

Shape up, dude! Because pretty soon Pat the Bat is not going to be hitting doubles every day, and he may end up at your house, and hit a triple and a couple of homers, if you know what I mean.

Your wife is such a slut, man! At least she can be. (You know, if Pat Burrell wants her to).

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!