Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)

Hey readers (especially you male readers)!!!! What’s happenin’? I just wanted to let you know that Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to).

I’m not sure really why I’m feeling motivated to write this column; part of it is out of jealousy, since there’s basically no way that I could nail your wife right now, even though I really want to. Part of it is out of admiration – like, I just look at Pat the Bat, and I think of all the married women in the country right now, and how he could just do the dirtiest stuff to all of them (if he wanted to), and I just think that’s so cool!

The last part, of course, is as a public service announcement – you should just know how badly your wife wants to be banged by Pat Burrell right now! There’s no way you should come home after a long day of work and expect that your wife will just be sitting there thinking about you, because she’s not – and if you have sex with her, she definitely won’t be thinking about you, because she’s going to be thinking about Pat Burrell.

Here’s the funny part about it: your wife didn’t always want to be banged by Pat Burrell. She didn’t want to be banged by him when he was just some punk kid playing third base for the University of Miami. She definitely didn’t want to screw him last summer, when he almost lost his job to that pansy-assed Michael Bourne.

But now – now that Pat Burrell is hitting a homer every other day and knocking in two runs every afternoon with a double; now that he’s in his young 30’s and his physical and emotional prime; now that he’s demonstrated that his jawline is here to stay – well, now she definitely wants to bang him. And she probably wants him to do things to her that she’d never let you do.

See the thing is, bro, Pat Burrell is just such a freaking stud right now, and you are just such a bag of crap compared to him. Look at yourself, man! You’re probably sitting there at your stupid job, wearing your stupid polka dot tie at your stupid cubicle.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!