Main Menu

Home	About
Features	Submit
Facebook	MySpace
Friends	NSR
Contact	Mad-Libs
Archives	Gallery
Sponsors	Advertise
Subscribe	Jobs
SCNN	Pryzms

Go to Vividseats.com to get all hard-to-find Sports Tickets, including all NCAA Football Tickets , Basketball Tickets , Baseball Tickets , College Basketball Tickets , Tennis Tickets , PGA Tickets, NASCAR Tickets, NFL Tickets , and Super Bowl Tickets.

Get free NFL picks from PicksNFL.com
Wunderdog Sports is your source for football picks Get free football picks at TopTenCappers.com

Check out EnglishHarbour Network, the best and trusted online casino providing the online slots, table games and other casino games. Visit us for the best online gambling experience and great casino bonuses.

Cheap Sports Tickets
14 major suppliers
mega major $$$ deals
... Sports Ticket Depot.

TOUTHOUSE.COM
NFL Betting Predictions, Free NFL Picks and Current Football Odds

Brett Favre |New Curse

Ticket Solutions
Sports Tickets
NFL
Baseball
Super Bowl
World Series
NCAA Tournament

See the DC United Playoffs with MLS tickets. All your other favorite sports events tickets are also at RazorGator.

Cheap Premium Tickets.com
Get tickets to your favorite sporting events including New York Giants tickets, Pittsburgh Steelers tickets, Detroit Red Wings tickets, Los Angeles Lakers tickets, San Francisco Giants tickets and more.

News Item

Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)

Pages: 1 2

Hey readers (especially you male readers)!!!! What’s happenin’? I just wanted to let you know that Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to).

I’m not sure really why I’m feeling motivated to write this column; part of it is out of jealousy, since there’s basically no way that I could nail your wife right now, even though I really want to. Part of it is out of admiration – like, I just look at Pat the Bat, and I think of all the married women in the country right now, and how he could just do the dirtiest stuff to all of them (if he wanted to), and I just think that’s so cool!

The last part, of course, is as a public service announcement – you should just know how badly your wife wants to be banged by Pat Burrell right now! There’s no way you should come home after a long day of work and expect that your wife will just be sitting there thinking about you, because she’s not – and if you have sex with her, she definitely won’t be thinking about you, because she’s going to be thinking about Pat Burrell.

Here’s the funny part about it: your wife didn’t always want to be banged by Pat Burrell. She didn’t want to be banged by him when he was just some punk kid playing third base for the University of Miami. She definitely didn’t want to screw him last summer, when he almost lost his job to that pansy-assed Michael Bourne.

But now – now that Pat Burrell is hitting a homer every other day and knocking in two runs every afternoon with a double; now that he’s in his young 30’s and his physical and emotional prime; now that he’s demonstrated that his jawline is here to stay – well, now she definitely wants to bang him. And she probably wants him to do things to her that she’d never let you do.

See the thing is, bro, Pat Burrell is just such a freaking stud right now, and you are just such a bag of crap compared to him. Look at yourself, man! You’re probably sitting there at your stupid job, wearing your stupid polka dot tie at your stupid cubicle.

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to our newsletter or RSS feed and get hilarious sports news every day. Thanks for visiting!

Pages: 1 2

Labels: baseball, Miami Hurricanes, MLB, National League, Pat Burrell, Pat the Bat, Penthouse, Philadelphia Phillies, sex

Posted on May 2nd, 2008

Got a headline idea? Click here to submit it... and be sure to visit our Facebook page!

Other Related News Items

• Woods returns from vacation to find 423 voicemails from PGA commissioner (August 11, 2008)
• Ramirez only now realizes that the Dodgers didn’t give him number 69 (August 28, 2008)
• Wife of Pats’ Seymour says husband not dirty, just “a little kinky” (January 24, 2008)
• Dale Earnhardt Jr. tricks step-mother, will retain Number Eight (September 14, 2007)

Link To This Post

<a target="_blank" href="http://www.serioussportsnewsnetwork.com/2008/05/pat-burrell-could-totally-sleep-with-your-wife-right-now-if-he-wanted-to.html" title="Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)">Pat Burrell could totally sleep with your wife right now (if he wanted to)</a>

Comments

Be the first to leave a comment on this story below...

Leave A Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

Search Our Site

  

Subscribe to SSNN's Newsletter

Enter your Email

Check Out These Classics

• Favre accidentaly signs with Dolphins while completing routine paperwork
• John Daly’s friends fear golfing habit interfering with drinking, carousing
• Local vendor union announces personnel changes
• China, Milwaukee agree to terms
• Morrison admits to double life

Multimedia News

Vertical Soccer

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!

View Multimedia Archives...

Photo Gallery

Visit our Gallery for a full listing of images...

Featured News

• Thomas absolutely wrecking Edwards in WordTwist on Facebook
• Todd Jones cries and hugs men; teammates say it was “really gay”
• Sports reporter writes column blasting himself after referring to himself in third person
• Probation for Busch, Edwards finally gives NASCAR fans some excitement
• MLB mandates all players must speak Spanish
• Older Featured News...

News In Brief

• Bengals hope to sign most of Georgia football team
• Beijing anti-smog plan calls for giant oil-burning torch
• Nation mourns life of Tim McCarver
• Dodgers to play two outfielders
• Pirates sign Lyndon Larouche in effort to have all Laroches and LaRouches on team
• Older News In Brief...

Get Free Sports Picks including March Madness Picks, Sports Betting Strategy and the 2008 March Madness Bracket From Doc's College Basketball handicappers

Want CHEAP sports tickets? From NASCAR tickets to WWE tickets, or Red Sox tickets, Final Four tickets to discount Super Bowl tickets, find great deals on all kinds of event tickets here.

Sports fans may not always be serious about their news, but they're serious about their tickets. For NBA Playoffs tickets or Raptors tickets in Toronto, or Cowboys tickets online, CTC has a serious selection of the best sports tickets on the web. Get NY Giants tickets and sold out Super Bowl tickets too!

Serious Online Sports Betting at BetUS - America's favorite Sportsbook. Bet on any sport - football, tennis, UFC, golf or basketball.

Pickspal.com
Football Picks
College Football Picks

MTC Tickets
Sold Out Events Tickets
Justin Timberlake Tour
American Idol Seats
Broadway Theater Tickets
Sold Out Sports Tickets
Hot Concert Tickets
March Madness Tickets

Golf is at its finest with Masters Tickets, while other historically important Sports Tickets like the Kentucky Derby Packages, and NFL Super Bowl Tickets are always hard to come by!