Padres management “not that upset” after Pujols injures entire team

SAN DIEGO, CA — Before last night, it seemed that things couldn’t get any worse for the San Diego Padres.

The club, which lost their chance at last year’s postseason in a one-game playoff against the Rockies, has the worst record in all of baseball at 17-31, and a simply miserable offense. But last night, Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols managed to injure the entire Padres team during St. Louis’s 11-3 victory.

The carnage began in the third inning, when a Pujols line drive broke the nose of starting pitcher Chris Young. Later in the same inning, Pujols injured the ankle of catcher Josh Bard while sliding into home plate. By the end of the blowout, Pujols had injured 22 of the 25 players on the Padres active roster for the game.

Instead of looking at the glass as half-empty, however, the Padres have chosen to look at the bright side.

“Well, we’re 12 games out of first,” manager Bud Black told reporters after the game. “I mean, we really suck this year. Now we have an opportunity to bring in some young guys and see what they can do.”

Other Padres officials expressed similar sentiments. In fact, Pujols seemed more disturbed by the bizarre injuries than any member of the Padres organization.

“I’ve hurt plenty of guys on the field before. I mean, these accidents happen when you’re as powerful as me,” a visibly shaken Pujols told SSNN. “But to take out a whole team like that… It was freaky – there was a lot of blood out there tonight.”

But Pujols also claims that he was encouraged in his carnage by Black. “I looked in their dugout after I took out the catcher, and Bud’s sort of winking at me and pointing at a couple more of his guys. I couldn’t believe it. Not that I did the rest on purpose, but I didn’t really try as hard as I usually do to avoid injuring guys.”

Of course, Black vehemently denies that he encouraged Pujols to hurt his players. When pressed, however, he admitted that the rash of injuries wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened.

“OK – maybe I did sort of hope he’d take out a few of them. I mean, we’re talking about my job here,” Black pointed out. “I’m gonna get fired because these guys are sucking so hard. At least if we have to bring in a bunch of minor leaguers, they have to give me a bit of a grace period.”

Perhaps even more shocking, Pujols says he was given explicit instructions by Padres’ first base coach Rick Renteria in the 6^th inning. “He told me to take out everyone besides [shortstop Khalil] Greene.”

Once again, though, Black assured SSNN that he knows nothing of any such instructions. “I don’t know why he was told that, if indeed he was told that. I mean, Greene’s been a pretty good player for us the last few years, but the guy’s hitting .223 right now. Why would I want him spared?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!