MLB establishment, press, fans all excited about AL East expansion

BOSTON, MA — Sportswriters across America are baffled by the emergence of other teams in the American League East this season.

Newspapers and websites alike – not to mention the several baseball fans across America who support neither the Boston Red Sox nor the New York Yankees – are teeming with excitement. According to sources, the other teams in the division are the Toronto Blue Jays, the Baltimore Orioles and the Tampa Bay Rays.

“I remember once hearing about these Blue Jays from Canadia, because my buddy told me they’re the reason we don’t have to call the championship the ‘Only One Country Actually Plays Series,’” said MLB.com Red Sox writer Ian Browne. “I’m glad the rumors are true, because World Series Champion sounds way more badass. And you know, I’m always having to write that in front of ‘Red Sox.’”

Even the Major League Baseball establishment has been pleasantly surprised by the sudden appearance of these new, apparently competitive teams in a division that has long been contested by only two franchises.

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“We have been able to confirm these sightings, and we couldn’t be more excited,” baseball commissioner Bud Selig told SSNN in a phone interview. “In fact, unlike other apparitions – like Big Foot, the Abominable Snowman or Matt Walsh’s tape of the Rams’ Super Bowl walkthrough – MLB has been inundated with verifiable evidence that these teams do, in fact, exist! Which is fantastic, because the Yankees were really starting to chap my ass.”

The second place Rays are particularly happy that people are finally hearing the word, having struggled in anonymity as the Devil Rays for some number of years that nobody can quite remember.

“We haven’t ever mattered, because we farm great players and then sell them for thirty cents on the dollar,” manager Joe Madden explained. “This year, someone told our front office that we were the thirty cent side – they were floored. Apparently they asked, ‘But what about Kevin Stocker?’ So yeah, we’re psyched to get some newspaper time with Red Sox Nation and Yankee Duchy, or whatever Hank Steinbrenner is calling it these days.”

When asked for comment on the revelations, Baltimore manager Dave Trembley wasn’t guarded in expressing positive feelings. “The thing is, we still suck real bad. It’s just that the Yankees are sucking even worse. Sure, we’re happy about that; it’s just I don’t want people to raise their expectations for our ballclub.”

Many are wondering how long these teams can stay in the news against the fierce competition of the Red Sox and Yankees, but it seems that the rest of the AL East has some ideas on how to maintain their status as media darlings. The Rays, for example, are imposing some aesthetic changes to keep things fresh.

“We got new uniforms this year, which is good because the vests were disgusting,” Rays GM Andrew Friedman said. “And now we’re looking at adding some nice new pink ones – you know, for Sundays – because we’d like to appear on Queer Eye. It’s all about staying in the public eye; keeping ourselves in the national consciousness.”

The National League is also busy trying to figure out what the AL East teams did to start receiving press time.

“We play really good baseball here in the National League,” said an NL official speaking on condition of anonymity. “A lot of people don’t know this, but the NL is a part of the majors. We play the same number of games as the AL, and one of our teams always goes to the World Series, even though the AL Championship Series is the one that people actually find interesting. Hopefully we can follow the AL East’s lead here and get some TV time of our own.”