Mickelson misses his breasts, will get implants

SAN DIEGO, CA — PGA Tour golfer Phil Mickelson will soon fit in the same category as Pamela Anderson. And it has nothing to do with a sex tape – it’s about breasts.

Sources tell SSNN that Mickelson will is in Beverly Hills this week for breast implant surgery. Reportedly Lefty misses the patented man-boobs that helped golfing fans recognize him, and now believes they were providing a measure of finesse that is now missing from his game.

Mickelson was never known as a stalwart of fitness off the golf course. A few short years ago, he was widely recognized for his unathletic frame in comparison to fitter, younger golfers like Tiger Woods. Then Mickelson started paying more attention to fitness, and his trademark titties slowly but surely shrank away to nearly nothing – an unintended side effect of exercise that Phil hadn’t anticipated.

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“He really just missed them terribly,” said a source within the cosmetic surgery industry who has spoken with Mickelson. “He worked so hard to get in better shape, but he felt attached to his man-breasts, and when they disappeared he was somewhat lost.”

The source went on to explain that Mickelson could not stop working because he had to keep up with what the other golfers on the tour were doing, so he was left with no alternative outside of implants.

“It’s not like he’s going to get a D cup,” the source said. “He just wants back what he had.”

Mickelson was unwilling to comment on anything involving his breasts – or a lack thereof. His wife Amy, however, had a lukewarm response.

“I guess I’m okay with it – I always liked to fondle his breasts,” Mrs. Mickelson admitted to SSNN. “But I’m not exactly Dolly Parton, and it’s a little embarrassing when your athlete husband has bigger breasts than you do, you know? I guess as long as they’re B-cups or less, I’ll live with it.”