Man arrested for sending threatening letters to NFL players

ORLANDO, FL — A Florida man was arrested yesterday in Orlando after being identified as the sender of multiple menacing letters to approximately twenty NFL players – including Reggie Bush, Marvin Harrison, Shaun Alexander, and Larry Johnson. The man, Simon Anderson, 45, admitted last night to being the author of the letters.

“Yeah, I wrote ‘em,” he said. “But am I guilty of a crime? No. The real crimes here are Shaun Alexander’s 716 yards and 4 touchdowns, or Reggie Bush’s 581 yards. I ran more than 581 yards just yesterday, when I took my dog to the lake. These guys wrecked my fantasy goodness before I had a chance to laugh at the guy who drafted Cedric Benson. I didn’t even have all those guys on my team – I was just giving a voice to the people, trying to make some magic happen. Like a vigilante, or a fairy or something.”

The letters came to the public’s attention when Harrison, a Colts receiver who suffered through injuries much of the year, informed police of a ten-page letter he had received from Anderson. Other players then came forward too, claiming fear had kept them from reporting the threats.

The letters received by Harrison and others were “extremely aggressive,” according to police, and went into harrowing details about what Mr. Anderson would like to do to the various underperforming athletes. An excerpt was released to the press following Anderson’s arrest:

“[An injury] is a pathetic excuse to give for failing millions of fantasy football managers. Any crawling pile of maggots can catch a ball thrown by Peyton Manning. All you’d have to do is stand there and put your hands up, like the loser kid from The Sandlot. But you? No. And are you too good for injured reserve, Marvin? You’d rather blue-ball everyone whose happiness depends on their fantasy leagues? My life is a joke now. I’d like to take your one touchdown and shove it into your one asshole.”

Of the involved players, only Johnson – the one-time fantasy superback who struggled with injuries and an anemic Kansas City offense last season – was willing to comment to SSNN.

“Yeah, it was scary,” he said. “Though I can’t understand why I was involved to begin with. I held out on my contract so I could skip training camp – camp is the biggest waste of time ever – and then this guy expected me to risk my fat ass on the field when the dough is already in my pocket? Fuck that. When I was a kid, balding, middle-aged, blue-collar white dudes spent time with their kids, or maybe joined a 40-and-over softball league. That’s got to be better than embarrassing themselves with this Let’s Be Pretend Managers garbage.”

In response to Johnson’s criticism, Anderson was strangely unconcerned; even cavalier. “He said my kids are less important than my fantasy teams? Way to go, genius – that’s like, common knowledge.”

Bush, Alexander, Harrison and Johnson have all turned in their letters to the police as evidence against Mr. Anderson. If convicted, he could face up to ten years in jail.