Horses attack jockeys with whips

LOUISVILLE, KY — In a shocking display of intelligence and combativeness, a stable of horses at Churchill Downs in Kentucky attacked a group of jockeys with whips, scattering the diminutive riders all across the barn.

Sources say it was a quiet morning, and everything was going as usual, when suddenly jockeys were heard yelling and seen running for their lives. A line of ten horses came galloping out of the barn and onto the track after their tiny taskmasters, each of them with a whip in their mouths. From there, the horses did not kick or stomp the jockeys - they began to whip them.

According to witnesses, the horses - whips in their mouths - were swinging their heads wildly at the jockeys, who were running as quickly as their little legs could carry them. The horses chased after the jockeys, who tried to jump over the railings but could not quite make it in their panicked state. That led to jockeys feebly trying to outrun the thoroughbreds, all the while being hit with whips at a feverish pace.

“It was surreal,” recounted Nicki Veres, an employee at Churchill Downs. “I’ve never seen anything like it. The horses all just came together and ‘Whap! Whap!’ They were smacking those poor jockeys pretty hard.”

Eventually, the jockeys escaped through a small opening in a fence that led to the infield. Though none were seriously injured, they did have large red markings all over their necks and backs.

Officials at Churchill Downs did not have any comment, but released a statement saying that they were investigating the incident. For her part, Veres suspects foul play.

“Something happened, because those horses can’t just open the gates and come on to the track. Somebody had to let them on there. Thank God there were no serious injuries - although I was kinda wondering what would happen if one of the horses had tried to ride a jockey.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!