Henry contemplating retirement after receiving hefty economic stimulus check

PHOENIX, AZ — An ordinary trip to the mailbox Tuesday resulted in elation and an overwhelming flood of emotion for Travis Henry.

The six-year NFL veteran and current Denver Broncos running back said he shuffled through an endless heap of bills and redundant delinquency notices to discover he had finally received his economic stimulus check from the US Government.

“Aye-oh – I finally got it, dog,” Henry exclaimed to a neighbor outside his Phoenix-area home. “I’ve been waiting for this shit for a long time now. After scraping the barrel for so long, I can finally take my women somewhere fly. We rollin’ VIP now, son.”

Henry ashamedly described to SSNN how he managed to blow nearly every cent of the $6 million contract he signed with the Broncos last year on stupid trinkets, a plethora of expensive cars and – most notably – several exotic excursions with close friend Adam “Pacman” Jones. And while the former University of Tennessee star said he makes no excuses for his past indiscretions, he openly thanked the government for their assistance in getting him back on his feet.

“Props to my boy, G-Dub – that dude’s the shit,” Henry shouted, grinning from ear to ear. “I don’t get why everyone’s ragging on Bush and the government for sending out these checks. It’s a good thing. They’re helping people who really need it – like me. I got a lot of mouths to feed around here, and with this new bankroll I can once again afford to provide for my family.”

Under the workings of the Economic Stimulus Plan, Henry qualified for over $3,000 in tax-free money. Due to his robust annual salary from the NFL, he was denied individual compensation, but he received $300 for each of his nine children. Henry admits he was rather taken by the generous amount of the donation.

“When I saw all those zeroes on that check, I was like ‘Hell yeah, we livin’ large now,’” said a boisterous Henry, who has fathered each child with a different partner. “I did notice that Bush threw in an additional $300 with a personal note attached that says the extra money is to compensate me for my inevitable tenth kid. The real thanks, though, go to my ladies. Without them, none of this would be possible.”

Henry relishes the opportunities and potential new beginnings that his newfound wealth will afford him. So much so, in fact, that he is considering a life without football far sooner than he otherwise would have.

“I’m seriously thinking about quitting football now that I can afford to live comfortably and do the things I’ve always wanted to do. The NFL doesn’t pay jack,” the 29-year-old former millionaire fumed. “Yeah, I signed a contract for over $6 million for one year, but when you take the taxes and stuff out, all i had left was about $12,000. Plus, the commissioner has been all over my ass recently, asking me to hand over tons of money for fines and whatnot.”

More than anything, though, Henry feels an affinity for the man that he believes personally singled him out as something of a reclamation project. “At least my man George feels my pain and gives me my money free of taxes. If I can get one of these checks every week for a year, shit… I’m not great at math, but I think that’s about $25 million a year. That’s a hell of a lot more than the Bills, Titans and Broncos ever paid me – combined.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!