Harrison admits to vigilante activities

PHILADELPHIA, PA — A recent shooting near one of his Philadelphia-area businesses has forced Colts wide receiver Marvin Harrison to reveal his secretive off-field life. Harrison told reporters today that he regularly delivers Steven Seagal-style vigilante justice while spending his offseasons in his hometown.

“It’s true,” Harrison told a gathering of reporters today.”In my down time I often roam the streets of Philly with custom-made Belgian handguns, ready to dispense justice and rescue those in trouble at a moment’s notice.”

Harrison said that the Philadelphia Police Department knew about his hobby, and the recent investigation of last week’s shooting was an attempt to keep Harrison’s secret. “I appreciate the effort those guys made, taking me downtown and questioning me for hours, and all the press conferences they had and everything. But it’s time this secret came out.”

Harrison has long been known in NFL circles for his quiet demeanor both on and off the field. Most fans and even teammates know little personal information about the wide receiver.

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“I barely know the guy,” admitted Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. “I always figured he was so secretive because he was a mutant. You know, like the X-Men, with the power to run really precise routes and catch every pass thrown to him. To find out he just goes around whoopin’ ass all the time is pretty disappointing.

According to police reports, Harrison and another man got into an argument at a bar Harrison owns. Later, that man was shot in the hand near a car wash that Harrison also owns. Forensic reports linked the bullets used in that shooting to a custom-made Belgian gun that Harrison owns. Harrison will not be charged by police for the shooting, given his long record of civic service and his 123 career touchdowns.

However, punishment for Harrison may come in the form of a suspension from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Earlier in the week, Goodell told SSNN that he would “probably suspend that little shit for three or four years – after I shoot him in the hand.” Now Goodell says that suspension may be reduced to one season.

“I have to do it. If I don’t suspend him, it sets a bad precedent. Soon, every player will be playing the Good Samaritan, which makes the league look bad. We have a reputation of lawlessness to uphold, and I won’t have some guy out in the streets doling out vigilante justice and mucking everything all up.”