Federer fighting through allergies to clay, the French

PARIS, FRANCE — After years of struggles on clay courts – and particularly in the French Open – Men’s Tennis World No. 1 Roger Federer believes this could be his year.

“I feel great this year – it’s like for the first time, I can really breath freely out there on the clay of Roland Garros,” Federer told SSNN. “That was a great opening match for me, and I’m feeling strong heading into round two.”

Federer gave much of the credit for his opening round dominance (6-4, 6-4, 6-3) of American Sam Querrey to his new allergist, Dr. Stew Hartibreev. After putting Federer through a battery of tests, Hartibreev believes he found the source of the 12-time Grand Slam Title-winner’s relative lack of success in the French Open – the only major tournament that he has yet to win.

“It’s really quite simple, actually – I’m surprised nobody thought of it before,” Dr. Hartibreev told SSNN. “You look at how this guy has performed on clay, and you have to realize something’s up. I mean, he wins basically everything on every other surface, but he can’t win the French Open even once? Now, maybe it’s because allergies are my specialty, but I just assumed he was probably having an allergic reaction.”

After a skin prick test showed that Federer was indeed allergic to clay, Hartibreev took his theory one step further.

“I figured while I was doing these tests, maybe it was something about the French Open specifically – so I tested Roger’s reaction to the French people, generally,” the renowned allergist recounted. “And I mean, it’s off the freaking charts. I just used a drop of French sweat for a normal skin prick test, and all of a sudden Roger’s breaking out in hives and shaking all over. Well, an EpiPen and a prescription for Zytec-D later, I think he’ll run right through this French Open like it was freakin’ Wimbledon or something.”

Federer has been taking prescription allergy medicines since Hartibreev’s discovery, and believes that his impressive 2008 clay season is directly attributable to the treatment. He sees his win on clay at the Estoril Open in late April as a good omen for his chances at the French, though he remains concerned about what he called an “essentially inevitable” finals matchup with rival Rafael Nadal.

“This should definitely be my best French Open throughout. I can’t say enough about the meds, and I don’t see anyone on my side of the draw that should present much of a challenge now that I’m not suffocated by the stench of the French people. But I’m still not overly confident about beating Nadal once I get to the finals,” Federer admitted. “Unfortunately, for all his talents, Dr. Hartibreev has assured me there is nothing he can do about my revulsion towards Capri pants. They’re like fucking Kryptonite to me, I swear to God.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!