Favre’s Madden cover appearance ensures injury-plagued retirement

KILN, MS — With his departure from football officially announced, Brett Favre’s decision to appear on the cover of the Madden 2009 football video game, may have doomed him to a tortured retirement, one that will be populated by pulled hamstrings, ATV accidents and a plethora of other injuries that can occur on the grounds of his Mississippi ranch.

The Madden curse, a phenomenon wherein the cover athlete of any given year’s Madden game endures significant injury and decreased on-field production, has been well known in the league for years. Free agent quarterback Daunte Culpepper, who experienced the Madden curse himself after appearing on the cover of the 2002 version, has still not recovered from the effects of his Madden-induced ills.

“Man, I used to think it was this urban legend, but look at me now – I couldn’t even cut it on the Raiders, man. I lost my job to a McCown, man,” Culpepper lamented. “I think Brett probably assumed he would be okay since he was retiring, but that’s not how it goes down. Have you ever seen that movie Final Desination? It’s going to be like that. Stuff it always going to be breaking and falling on him, cause that Madden curse is crazy like the IRS. This ain’t no boat party, this is serious business.”

Favre, who was the league’s iron man for years – fighting off injuries to post a ridiculous consecutive start streak – is not worried about supernatural entities, curses or injuries invading his retirement. He says years of playing home games on the Frozen Tundra have left him with the numbing inability to feel pain, joy or any other emotion that would come with injuries.

“You’d be surprised how tolerant of pain and misery a person can become after 253 consecutive NFL starts, addictions to booze and vicodin, and a lifetime of family illness and tragedy,” Favre told SSNN after a day of deer-hunting. “I’m honestly more worried about John Madden himself coming down here to bother me than I am about any curse from the game.

“Seriously, I had to change my phone number because he was calling in the middle of the night just to say, ‘Boom!’ Honestly, I think the guy needs help – I mean, he put me on the cover of his video game, and I’m not even playing anymore. It’s a little creepy, frankly.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!