ESPN shuts down after running out of hair care products

BRISTOL, CT – Though it may often seem that nothing can stop the sports television juggernaut that is ESPN, the network was forced to shut down for several hours yesterday afternoon after it ran out of hair products.

A spokeswoman for the staple cable network said the situation was “temporary and minor.” However, an anonymous source within the network told SSNN that what transpired when word got out that ESPN headquarters was devoid of all mousse, gel and hairspray was nothing short of sheer chaos.

“It was pretty wild, man,” the source said. “I saw Mel Kiper, Jr. come out of his dressing room, and it looked like he had a fright wig on. I’m not even sure what he’s still doing here since the draft is over, but it was freaky. He grabbed me by the front of my shirt and said ‘If this costs me my career, you’re going to die. Get me some goddamned mousse!’ And I mean, I’m on-air talent here, you know? Hair care isn’t really my responsibility”

The network apparently tried to get through the crisis by showing reruns of World’s Strongest Man competitions. But after playing through the , the network had no alternative but to go off the air for several hours.

“Basically, nobody wanted to go on the air,” said SSNN’s source. “Can’t say that I blame them. I mean, when you see John Buccigross without any of his special super-hold gel… ugh – I can’t even begin to describe the horror.”

There was at least one television personality willing to go live without any hair care products, but network executives couldn’t find a second and refused to air a one-host SportsCenter.

“I was more than willing to go live,” notably bald SC anchor Scott “Van Peezy” Van Pelt assured SSNN. “And I told [ESPN boss George] Bodenheimer that Stu Scott doesn’t even wear any products in his hair, but apparently his special eyedrops come in the same shipment as the mousse, so he couldn’t open his eyes.

“They were gonna have me do a SportsCenter with Berman, because he’s mostly bald anyway and so we thought we could trick him. But right before we were about to start, he realized we filled his hairspray bottle with champagne and started drinking it. And if you’ve ever seen Berman drunk, well… Actually it’s pretty much like his normal TV persona, but the bosses still wouldn’t go for it.”

After several hours off the air, the network was apparently able to commandeer a truckload of Aqua Net hairspray and re-route it to Bristol.

“They pretty much hijacked that truck,” the source said. “But everyone was pretty desperate at that point. Some cops started to make a big deal about it, but in the end they all just wanted to know the score of the Mets game.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!