Dallas radio personality alleges Wings equipped with strategically placed rockets

DALLAS, TX — A local sports talk show host has an interesting theory as to why his Dallas Stars are down 3-0 to the Detroit Red Wings and suddenly facing elimination from the NHL Playoffs.

“Detroit is cheating. Yes, you heard it here first - the Wings are cheating,” shock-jock Ed “Crazy Horse” Pipinski said on his radio program Wednesday morning. “I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I believe it has something to do with some type of jet propulsion device that has allowed those damn Russians - or Slovakians or Swedes, whatever - to skate faster, and therefore win the first three games of this series.”

To the casual observer, it has been unmistakably clear through the first three games that Detroit is the faster and more skilled team. After surprising series wins over the defending Stanley Cup Champion Anaheim Ducks and the heavily favored San Jose Sharks, the Stars have been outscored 11-4 by the Red Wings and now face the possibility of getting swept on their home ice.

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But the glaring facts did not stop Pipinski from echoing his conspiracy theory over the air waves via his highly rated morning program, The Morning After, which has come under the fire of critics for its controversial content.

“The Wings are better than the Stars - blah, blah, blah,” Pipinski added. “Yeah, they’re better because they have had rockets surgically implanted in their asses. And their coach can turn them on at any second with the touch of a button. Take a second to think about how big of an advantage that is.

“I’d be willing to bet my daughter’s college fund that Mike Modano would have three hat tricks in this series if the Dallas coaching staff stuck a rocket up his butt - and he’s not even one of those crazy foreign nationalities… He’s a slow-footed American.”

Pipinski’s allegations mark the third time this NHL postseason that the Red Wings have been accused of utilizing an illegal means to gain an edge. Colorado head coach Joel Quenneville filed a complaint with the league office after his team was swept by Detroit in the semifinal round, on suspicion Wings goaltender Chris Osgood played the entire series while “standing on his head.”

Prior to that, several members of the Nashville Predators reported seeing a “curious-looking fellow” dressed in a Detroit jersey with a video camera at a number of team practices during the opening round of the playoffs.