Cubs to sell stadium, team, fans as package deal

CHICAGO, IL — After months of talks with an Illinois state agency have failed to produce a deal for Wrigley Field, the Tribune Company – led by CEO Sam Zell – have decided to offer a package deal unprecedented in the sports world: the Cubs franchise, Wrigley Field and millions of die hard Cubs fans will all be sold to the highest bidder.

The proposed deal has attracted much excitement among various prospective buyers, but Cubs fans have expressed mixed feelings.

“On one hand I’m happy to see this situation resolved without raising taxes or abandoning our beloved Wrigley Field,” said 37-year-old bartender and Cubs fan Brian Hemming. “But on the other hand, this technically means I’m gonna be owned by somebody, right?”

Concerns of freedom aside, Tribune Co. hopes to close a deal soon, while most Cubs fans are still in reasonable physical shape, and will be able to endure rigorous field labor during their upcoming indentured servitude.

“Cubs fans are known worldwide for their loyalty and resiliency in the face of trying times,” said Zell. “I’m sure they’ll make their new owners proud.”

Unfortunately for Zell and his partners, many suspect that any deal struck in principle may hit a few legal snags. Lawyer and longtime Cubs fan Andy Willis suggests that the deal may meet with some resistance because of fine print in the MLB guidelines regarding team/stadium/fan sales, as well as some small conflicts with the United States Constitution.

“The fourteenth amendment, which outlaws slavery in any form, may be a difficult thing to get around,” Willis explained. “But I wish them all the luck in the world.”

Willis’ personal feelings about the proposed deal are a mix of joy for the Cubs organization, and sadness for himself and other soon-to-be enslaved Cubs fans. While his oppositions ranged from a bad back to a general distaste for the institution of slavery, Willis remained steadfast in his support for the team.

“Anything for the Cubbies. Now excuse me while I get fitted for a new pair of shackles.”