Cowell receives surprising position at ESPN

BRISTOL, CT — ESPN officials announced Saturday that brash American Idol judge Simon Cowell will be hired as the new Director of College Scouting for the network’s talent evaluation organization Scouts, Inc.

Cowell replaces Todd McShay, who at one time interned at Scouts, Inc. and has been evaluating collegiate talent for the NFL draft for ESPN since 1998. Sources tell SSNN that McShay–the Director of College Scouting since 2002–was being terminated for reasons left undisclosed by network brass. However, it is believed that the fun-loving attitude and youthful enthusiasm that was instrumental in McShay’s ascension up the corporate ladder ultimately spelled his doom, as officials craved an older, more authoritative presence to combat that of ESPN football guru Mel Kiper Jr. McShay and Kiper Jr.–who are frequently pitted against one another to discuss different aspects of the NFL draft and college game–have seldom agreed on matters in the past and often engage in heated verbal spars that end with Kiper Jr. getting the better of his much younger debate opponent.

Executive Vice President of Administration Edwin Durso said the network is confident with its decision to bring the brutally honest and sometimes controversial Cowell on board, though the 48 year-old Englishman has admitted to having little to no football knowledge–college or professional.

“There’s an ongoing suspicion around here that Simon is being hired simply because of the fact he possesses an undeniably beautiful patch of chest hair,” Durso examined. “And while that was the determining factor, that’s not the only reason why we decided to swoon him to Bristol. We believe his wretched attitude, quick wit, uncanny ability to criticize and relentless pursuit to give people the shameful truth will prove to be invaluable. Our first priority will be to get him in the same room as Mel Kiper Jr. and let the two go at it. We’re not worried about the whole football knowledge thing with Simon; that will come in time.

“And, oh yeah, we also really love his tight jeans and the almost completely unbuttoned oxford shirts that free that beautiful chest hair; just wanted to throw that in real quick.”

Officials feel Cowell can go toe-to-toe with Kiper based solely on the fact he is as outspoken as–if not more than– the notoriously confident and intimidating draft expert. Durso is particularly excited about witnessing Cowell doing something McShay could not–winning an argument with Kiper Jr., football-related or not.

“We hated to let Todd go because he knew so darn much about football, and we’ve leaned on him heavily for a long time now, especially come draft time,” Durso admitted. “But when it came down to it, we needed someone who wasn’t a little pushover punk and had the balls to stand up to Mel. Todd getting verbally undressed in front of a national audience every night didn’t make for very good TV.

“The last thing this network needs is another Sean Salisbury-John Clayton, one-sided lifeless feud. We need to jack up the intensity a little, and this invigorating Cowell-Kiper duel should do the trick. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that Simon comes close to Mel in the thick, shiny hair-helmet department.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!