Clemens issues denial of future allegations

HOUSTON, TX — Roger Clemens and his attorneys issued a statement today in which the fallen star denied any and all future allegations that may be made against him.

Clemens – who in recent months has been named in the Mitchell Report as a steroid user, testified before Congress about accusations made by his former trainer, and been accused of having an affair with a country star when she was 15 years old – said he wasn’t sure just what he would be accused of yet, but whatever it was, he didn’t do it.

“I’ve made some mistakes in my past,” Clemens’ statement reads. “And frankly, I can’t remember all of them. So whatever I may be accused of in the future, I’d like to state now, unequivocally, that I did not do that. Ever. Philosophically, I’m completely against it.”

SSNN has learned that within a few days, accusations will surface that Clemens regularly killed his neighbors’ pets and was often seen walking through his neighborhood while nude and/or intoxicated.

Clemens’ attorney Rusty Hardin bristled when asked about the accusations. “Read the statement, stupid. We’ve denied everything. Mr. Clemens did not take steroids; he didn’t have an affair with Mindy McCready, or with any of John Daly’s wives, etc, etc. This applies to all future allegations. In other words, not only did Roger not do what he has been accused of in the past, he didn’t do what he will be accused of shortly, or in the distant future.”

Hardin has been criticized by many analysts for allowing Clemens’ defamation suit against former trainer Brian McNamee to continue, even as the pitcher’s reputation is torn to shreds. Still, when asked whether litigation would persist in that matter, the lawyer was steadfast in his resolve.

“Oh, absolutely. Why wouldn’t it? It’s all going our way,” Hardin argued. “It’s made me enough money to buy a boat – one of those big ones. And I’m getting all kinds of interest from other athletes.

“Just the other day, Cedric Benson called me. I asked him about boats and he asked me for some legal advice. I told him to fight the charges, of course. I’m telling you – this whole thing will leave me set for life. This is off the record, right?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!