Buckeyes eyeing another BCS Championship thrashing

COLUMBUS, OH — As the spring football season winds down, many teams have dreams of conference championships and bowl victories. The Ohio State Buckeyes, however, have a different goal in mind. After being drubbed soundly by faster, more athletic teams from the SEC the past two seasons, the Ohio State Buckeyes say they’re looking forward to an unprecedented third straight shellacking in this season’s BCS Championship Game. Last January the Buckeyes were blown out by LSU and were beaten badly by the Florida Gators the year before. “We definitely want to be in that game in January,” said Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel. “If you’re in that last game, it means you’ve had a very successful season. Now whether we actually win that game… Well, let’s not get carried away”.

No team has ever lost three straight championship games since the BCS’s inception, but quarterback Todd Boeckman said the team is up to the challenge. “When I was growing up, I was a huge Buffalo Bills and Atlanta Braves fan,” Boeckman said. “Now to be able to follow in their footsteps as habitual victims in my sport’s biggest game is a dream come true.”

Tressel states that in order to make sure of history, he has recruited plenty of “beefy, Midwestern types who are good enough to beat Penn State and Michigan, but no where near fast enough to stay with any SEC teams.” Boeckman agrees. “There are plenty of guys that are certainly fast enough by our standards,” he said. “But I’m sure that the first time we’re on the field against an LSU or an Auburn, it’ll be like ‘Whoa’.”

Tressel also pointed to the fact that the Big 10 is weak again this year, virtually assuring his team another conference championship and a probable spot in the title game. “But just to make sure, I scheduled Youngstown State and Ohio again, because you can never be too sure,” he said. The Buckeyes surprised many by agreeing to a game against perennial power USC on September 13. Tressel admitted that has increased the pressure on his team. “Well, after we lose to USC three touchdowns, we’ll have less margin for error. We won’t be able to take a week off like we did last year versus Illinois. Fortunately the game against the Trojans is in September, so voters will have plenty of time to forget about it before January.”

Tressel said the only thing that could ruin his team’s chances this season would be some “freak occurrence. Like a Big 12 team getting into the game or something. Now those guys are slow.. We might be able to outrun them.”