BoSox starting rotation to work out at toxic waste dump

BOSTON, MA — Less than a week after cancer-survivor Jon Lester’s no-hitter, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they will begin working out their pitchers next to toxic waste dumps.

General Manager Theo Epstein admitted the idea was insensitive at best – and incredibly dangerous at worst – but he also said the Sox are simply, as always, doing everything they can to beat the Yankees.

“It’s just a way for us to weed out the weaklings,” he said. “You know what’s better than having one cancer-surviving badass? Having five of them.”

Epstein quickly added that he’s not wishing cancer on any of his starting pitchers. He did say, however, that there are a couple of them who could use some “toughening up.”

“Dice-K’s pitching well, but he doesn’t have any no-hitters and we’re paying him a lot of money,” Epstein said. “Would overcoming a life-threatening disease make him a better pitcher? I don’t know, but it’s a chance I’m willing to take.”

Epstein made it clear Matsuzaka isn’t the only problem.

“It’s been months since Clay Buchholz threw a no-hitter. I mean, what’s up with that?” the prodigal GM asked. “We’re not only going to work him out next to a toxic waste dump, we’re considering making him live there.”

Despite the controversy generated by the Red Sox’ new plan, the rest of the league is taking notice as well. The Yankees Joba Chamberlain and Philip Hughes have taken up smoking, and even smaller market teams like the Florida Marlins are looking for toxic waste dumps in their area.

“This is a professional sport, and unfortunately you have to keep up with the other guys,” said Hank Steinbrenner. “If having a cancer-surviving starter pitcher is what’s hot, then I want one. It’s not just about spending money, it’s about managing a team.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!