Bonds indictment changed to include head growth, testicle shrinkage

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In February, Judge Susan Illston ordered prosecutors in the Barry Bonds perjury case to refile their charges in order to avoid the case being thrown out of court, and on Tuesday they complied.

Bonds was originally indicted in November of last year on four charges of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice. Federal prosecutors allege that Bonds lied about whether he was supplied with steroids and human growth hormones by his former personal trainer, Greg Anderson.

In ordering that charges be refiled, Illston cited the “rapid and abnormal growth of Mr. Bonds’ head, as well as the shrinking of his testicles,” which were not suitably addressed in the original indictment. The new indictment contains fourteen counts of perjury and one count of obstruction of justice stemming from Bonds’ 2003 grand jury testimony, and makes frequent reference to his engorged cranium and shriveled testes.

Lead prosecutor Mike Welsh also pointed out that “Mr. Bonds’ head has gotten even bigger since the original indictment, as impossible as it might have seemed. So, the new charges filed Tuesday reflect that.”

Bonds has denied ever taking steroids or human growth hormone, and maintains that the growth of his head in recent years is normal.

“It’s totally normal for a man in his late 30’s and early 40’s to have some cranial growth,” Bonds told SSNN. He admits that his hat size has gone from a 7 to “somewhere around ten. I have to have specially-made hats, so there isn’t really a standard size that fits me, per se. But that’s totally normal – it’s just that most people don’t wear hats at my age.”

Bonds also says he has “no idea” why major league teams have not expressed interest in him. Recently, the players’ union began an investigation into charges of collusion between baseball owners.

“I mean, just because I can’t run, can’t field, and I’m a likely candidate for prison time… I can’t understand it. I’m the greatest hitter of all time. My OBP is off the charts. Just because I hate everybody and want three lockers all to myself people think I’ll be a distraction, or a clubhouse cancer or something. I’m not sure how I can be a more attractive potential signee.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!