Benson says arrest is part of training program

AUSTIN, TX — Chicago Bears running back Cedric Benson says his recent arrest in Texas is all part of a unique training program he has devised to make himself into a better back.

Benson, who has rushed for only 1,600 yards in three seasons with the Bears, says the program is “a unique blend of running, swimming and wrestling, all designed to help me be the best I can be.” According to Benson’s attorneys, this defense will be presented to the court during Benson’s scheduled appearance on May 19.

According to police reports, Benson failed a sobriety test administered by police after his 30-foot boat was stopped on Lake Travis, near Austin, Texas last Saturday night.

Benson’s boat was originally stopped for a routine inspection by an officer of the Lower Colorado River Authority. When that officer attempted to put Benson in his own boat, the Bears back refused and was pepper-sprayed. Upon reaching the shore, several officers had to drag Benson into a police vehicle.

“All according to my program,” Benson told reporters yesterday. “Although the pepper spray was a little much, and then they damn near drowned me trying to wash it off. But whatever man, I know it’s going to make me into a better player.”

Bears coach Lovie Smith is a little skeptical of Benson’s story. “Well, I’ve heard of unique training programs, like running up sand dunes and things like that, but this seems a little strange to me. But if Cedric said that’s what happened, then there just might be a shred of truth in it.”

Other players, though, find Benson’s explanation of this weekend’s events a little hard to believe.

“Training program?” quarterback Rex Grossman asked incredulously. “I seriously doubt Cedric’s been doing any training in the offseason. I mean, he didn’t work out at all last offseason – why would he start now? The guy’s gotta be one of the biggest freaking disappointments ever – and I should know.”

Though others may doubt him, Benson remains defiant. “People keep looking at me like I’m making this up, but I’m gonna show everyone next season. Trust me, this will pay off.

“When there’s a pepper spray attack during a game that’s being played on a boat in the middle of a lake this season, guess who’s gonna be ready for it? This guy, that’s who – because I’m putting the work in now.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!