Zambrano’s cats not taking to Cat Genie

CHICAGO, IL — Flipping through the channels late on a Saturday night during spring training, Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano stumbled on an infomercial for Cat Genie, the self-cleaning litter box.

“It was perfect for me,” Big Z told SSNN. “Because just like the commercial says, I love my cats but I hate dealing with the messy litter box.”

Zambrano immediately ordered a couple of Cat Genie’s for his eight cats and began strategically placing them around his condo. In hindsight, he admits he was a little worried about how his feline friends would react to the crystals the machine uses instead of traditional litter, but he couldn’t have imagined what happened next.

“It was an absolute disaster, there was cat shit everywhere,” Zambrano said. “In the living room, the bedroom, even on the kitchen counters. Oh, and you should have seen the bathtub – there was a plethora of cat waste in it – I was appalled.”

In addition to the cats not taking to the crystals, they also began exhibiting strange behavior. Miss Sparkles and Mr. Manners, who Zambrano said were the best of friends before the arrival of the Cat Genies, have been fighting constantly.

Worse yet, Doctor Bologna got into Zambrano’s den and did a considerable amount of damage to his vintage stamp collection. Zambrano estimates that some $2,000 worth of stamps are now in Doctor Bologna’s stomach.

However, Zambrano said the most disappointing part of the whole saga is how it has changed his eldest cat, the beloved Foot Foot.

“Footsy used to sleep next to me every night like a little teddy bear,” Zambrano said. “Now he won’t even give me the time of day. Sure, I can get my money back from Cat Genie, but they can’t repair a broken heart.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!