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Youzhny files assault charges against self

MIAMI, FL — Russian Tennis player Mikhail Youzhny made sports highlight reels for a bizarre incident during his match against Spain’s Nicolas Almagro at the Miami Masters. Frustrated with himself for hitting a backhand into the net Youzhny whacked himself in the head, opening a gash and drawing blood before a stunned crowd.

But now Youzhny has announced that he plans to file assault charges against himself for what he describes as a “completely unprovoked attack.”

“Sure, I had been taunting and bad-mouthing myself all day, but that was no reason to resort to violence,” Youzhny told SSNN. “There had to be a better way for me to work out the differences between me and myself.”

When questioned about the bloody encounter, however, Youzhny claims the attack was made in self-defense. “There’s no telling what I might have done to myself if I hadn’t smashed myself over the head with the racket. Have you seen how unstable I am? I was liable to do anything.”

But witnesses to the event refute Youzhny’s claim of self-defense, and insist that the Russian star’s attack on himself was simply uncalled for.

“This kind of brutal act has no place in the world of tennis,” says tennis commentator Bud Collins. “What bothered me most is how unrepentant he looked after the attack.”

Tennis insiders suggest that this incident was simply the culmination of years of tension and bad blood between Youzhny and himself. According to rumor, the tennis player had fallen out with himself years ago, and had experienced a period so acrimonious that he was no longer on speaking terms with himself.

“It’s always sad to see ill will between people so close,” Collins said. “I hope he can work things out with himself.”

For now, though, it seems he will have to work out his differences in court. Hopes that he could reach an out of court settlement with himself seem to have vanished when it was reported that Youzhny had violated the restraining order placed against himself.

“Some people may have felt the restraining order was going to far, but after an attack like that I’m not taking any chances.”

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Labels: assault, ATP, Bud Collins, law, Mikhail Youzhny, Nicolas Almagro

Posted on April 17th, 2008

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