Yanks lied about Jeter’s injury to protect “sex icon” status

NEW YORK CITY, NY — After legging out an infield hit in the New York Yankees 6-1 victory over Tampa Bay earlier in the week, Derek Jeter was taken out of the game with an apparent leg injury.

While the Yanks medical staff was elusive as to the exact nature of the injury, they did release a statement saying that the All-Star shortstop would miss several games due to “an upper leg issue.” When asked about it, Jeter was adamant in calling it a “quad strain,” but SSNN has learned from an anonymous source within the team that the injury was actually groin-related.

“We lied – we had to,” confessed SSNN’s source. “Jeter is notorious for pulling copious amounts of pussy, and we were worried that if we announced the real injury [a groin strain] that it might scare the ladies off. And everyone knows that Jete can’t hit worth a damn unless he’s gotten at least two blow jobs and played ‘just the tip’ before a ballgame.”

When told of the revelation, Jeter continued to deny the story, and even went so far as to say that he would “do everything in my power to find out who this cock-blocking liar is.” Only after the results of his MRI were produced did he finally relent.

“Alright, you got me. Yea, I hurt my groin, is that what you all wanted to hear? Derek Jeter has an injured groin! Ha ha, let’s all laugh about it,” a raving Jeter shouted at SSNN. “Go ahead and tell the world, see if I give a fuck. I’ll still get more poontang than you assholes could ever even dream about masturbating to.”

After being given a sedative, the future Hall-of-Famer continued in a much calmer manner.

“First off, I’d like to apologize for before, I haven’t gotten so much as a hand job in the last few days, and I’ve been a little on edge,” said a contrite Jeter. “It’s just that I’ve seen this happen before. Why do you think Giambi has been so awful since the steroid allegations came out? It’s not the byproduct of the juice cycling out of his body, I can tell you that. It’s because the guy hasn’t been laid in over 2 years. Woman have been scared off by the whole shrunken testicle thing, and no man can be expected to be calm and relaxed at the plate with a loaded gun. The boys need to be drained, you feel me?”

Jeter ended by making a plea to all the club rats, hoochie mommas, and the occasional celebrity that have been known to frequent his New York sex palace.

“I would just like to let all the ladies out there know that my groin injury in no way affects my capabilities in the bedroom. I’m still the same stud that I’ve always been. I’ll hit it from the front, the back… upside down, if that what’s you’re into. The only hindrance from this injury is that doctors have ordered me not to perform my patented Crouching Yankee, Hidden Testicle move for two weeks. Other than that, I’m good to go.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!