Weis expecting big improvement from Irish

SOUTH BEND, IN — A cheerful and apparently hungry Charlie Weis is expecting big things from his Notre Dame Fighting Irish on the field this fall. The coach, now entering his third season at the helm of the school’s football program, held a press conference to talk about the team at the beginning of spring practices.

“First of all, we’ll be a lot better than we were last season,” Weis said, referring to last year’s 3-9 record. The nine losses were the most in the history of Notre Dame football. “It’s like when you take an ordinary pizza and add toppings to it. This year we’re going to add a lot of pepperoni, and maybe some extra cheese.”

This was apparently in reference to Notre Dame’s recent recruiting classes under Weis, which have been rated among the best in the nation. “Maybe some sausage too,” Weis added, licking his lips. “What were we talking about again?”

Weis said he has already laid out goals for his 2008 team, and they begin with playing better against the military service academies, who the Irish traditionally play every season. Last season’s Notre Dame team lost to Navy for the first time in over 40 years.

“We’re definitely going to beat Navy. In fact, I guarantee it. Maybe by two touchdowns. Well, maybe not. Are those Cheetos?” Weis asked a member of the media, amid laying out his hopes for his football team. “Our other goal will be to score a touchdown before Halloween, and break into the Top 100 in points scored. I definitely think those are doable. We should be able to win four, maybe even five games. I feel really confident in that. Can I get some of those Cheetos?”

Weis also has high hopes for quarterback Jimmy Clausen, who struggled last season as a freshman. “Well, last year he got flipped more than a hamburger, didn’t he? Last year he was pretty raw. This year I expect him to be medium rare. With cheese. His last name is a brand of pickles, isn’t it? Are you going to give me some of those damn Cheetos or not?”

When asked about his offensive line, which struggled to protect the quarterback last season, Weis mumbled, “Swiss cheese…” before staring into space. He then abruptly left the podium.

“I’ll get my own damn Cheetos,” he said on his way out. “Can’t a guy get anything to eat around here?”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!