Wallace, Pistons blame narcolepsy for loss

AUBURN HILLS, MI — In the wake of the Detroit Pistons’ game one loss to the Philadelphia 76ers in their opening round playoff series, Pistons forward Rasheed Wallace offered an unlikely reason for his team’s fourth quarter collapse. Wallace admitted he suffers from narcolepsy, and that he fell asleep several times during the game on Sunday.

Most shocking is the fact that not only Wallace suffers from the disease – which is marked by sufferers falling asleep instantly, at any time. He says the entire team has been afflicted with the bizarre disorder.

“It seems to be going around,” a heavy-lidded Wallace told reporters. “I didn’t know it was contagious, but first I had it, and now everybody has it.”

The Pistons, who blew a 15-point, third-quarter lead before losing 90-84, have long been known for slow starts and playing down to their opponents’ level. Sunday’s game was the latest example of that trend, and Wallace admitted there were several times when he simply fell asleep.

“Especially on defense,” Wallace said between yawns. “I mean, defense is boring. Unless I’m shooting threes or yelling at the refs, there’s not a whole lot for me to do. And when I’m bored, I fall asleep.”

In addition to Wallace, Piston stars Chauncey Billups and Tayshaun Prince also seemed to be battling Wallace’s contagious form of narcolepsy. Billups missed three of four free throws and a layup during the final two minutes of the game, and Prince struggled down the stretch as well.

“I could barely keep my eyes open,” said Billups. “These early games are, quite frankly, boring. There’s like eight rounds of playoffs nowadays. Wake me up when we get to the conference finals… Literally and figuratively.”

Prince claims his team is not offering excuses, only reasons for their loss. “Narcolepsy is a real disease. You can look it up in medical textbooks and everything.”

The Pistons also defended their seeming lack of intensity. Several Pistons were seen joking with fans in the front row and sharing a plate of nachos with one member of the press corps.

“I was hungry,” said Wallace. “What can I say, my man? The munchies are a bitch. But seriously, the Sixers are a joke. I’m pretty sure we can stay awake long enough to win the next four games.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!